STHLM

Here
we
go
..
again.

I fly today at 6pm, and then only the Lol-god knows what will happen next.
A. and I are back on Friday - I'm in STHLM till Friday, she's in TLN till next Tuesday.

I'm currently eating watermelon and packing. After having disappeared into the Scaffolding concert madness this comes at a ridiculously appropriate moment.

BRING
ON
ADVENTURES
With love.
Mayhem.
Of Chaos and Mayhem.

leave the world behind

This is what I want.
Out of life.
This is what I want out of my existence and time given on this awesome planet.
I want the miracle and wonder.
No steel, no concrete. I don't want the new and I don't want the shiny.
I want open spaces and freedom and love for everything.
I want a little boat and stormy seas.
And I want moss and rain and nature, because that is what Home is like.
I want to swim in cold seas and look at stars and whatever.
Just marvel.

I always get back to this -
I want to marvel.
And I want to share my life with those who want to marvel too.
It's not my job or duty to convince anyone at all that all of this is a miracle.

I want to get my feet wet, travel, and sing.

And I want to give myself what I want and work at living a life like this, with peace and balance and quiet and calm.
Because if we don't give ourselves what we deserve, no one will, ever.
Ever.

And this is a solid piece of advice (and I rarely dish out solid advice) - if you find the little miracles, the friends who wonder and marvel with you, do not and I mean, do not let them slip away. Life is too short and these people do not grow on trees.
Because they are magic.

If the topic is "Things Maria wants to happen", this is top 1 of the list.
No questions asked.

Now please find some headphones or plug in your speakers, and watch this video.

Always.
M.

5 days

5 days non-blog.
5 days of some rehearsals, a lot of time in a library trying to find some music, which I found.
5 days of stressing about two gigs, and doing the two gigs, and them going well.

So in short all is well.
In some more detail, however, stuff's weird.
I still don't get where this weirdness is coming from.
It's boring to experience so I don't even know how boring it must be to read about it.
But as ever, everything is a work in progress, so I'm not despairing too much.

There's some things I need to do, and get done.
So I'll do that soon.

For now, I'm eating some cantarell mushroom pasta in Vapiano.
Seeing dad and the spanish one later.
Things need to be decided and I don't like deciding.
Note to self: make friends with decision-making.

I'll do my very very best not to disappear.

Peace out, lovely-ones.
M.

push

Can someone remind me where the "off" button is?

Thanks.
M.

engine

A while ago I started this post about feeling like I turned the engine off.
I mean, a long long while.
It's a shame I don't remember the date, I like to place these things in a linear context. (Way in 2012 I think. October, November?)

And let's be honest - I'm still here. I'm still at a place where the engine is still off.
Like, I used to be SO driven it was crazy.
I don't necessarily want to be like that again, but I want some of it back, so so bad.

I'm not even going to try and figure out what happened, or where did it go.
Did i get scared? Whatever.

Truth is, everything we either look forward to, or everything we are afraid of, it all comes from within ourselves. So it's pointless running.
Cause it's based right here, in my pasty-looking pretty little head.

We project and we receive.
Project different and you receive different.

So why don't I want anything?
You see the thing is, it's really really starting to annoy me.
I want to do things, and look forward to things, but something is not clicking to place.
And it's making me sad, cause it's spring and you know. Spring yayy! Should be the time everyone usually gets super excited.

Ramble-y Tuesday lunchtime.
But whatever.
Where there's a question, you'll receive an answer.
I hope.

Turn. 
it.
on.
M.

lights off

And if you can, tonight, then please turn off your lights.
Get some candles.
Think some thoughts, or chat to your friends.
And turn off the lights.

http://www.earthhour.org/

Earth hour.
M.

ink will flow

short fuse

Well, well.
I got really pissed off today. Just because (STILL) so, so much is up in the air. (Through this packing process I've realised that I'm such a control freak with some weird things. Like I'm currently frustrated out of my eyeballs because I can't book my flight.)
And like, ugh, whatever.
So, I decided to apply a lot of make-up and do my hair just for the purposes of packing.
And for the purposes of not feeling like a forlorn sock (which, A. can vouch for this, is my all-time least favourite feeling).
Then I played some loud music (from the playlist GO) and burnt some lavender incense.
And calmed the f*ck down.

And I'm gonna carry on packing.

But before I do this I'm gonna give myself a little point an a pat on shoulder (can't reach my own back too well) for catching my friend, anger, by it's tiny little vicious tail and dealing with it.
So, there you go, self, I'm giving you a point!

Ride the wave.
M.

loneliness

(This following post was brought about by the fact that I just saw an old friend who I used to be really close with in school, just when I moved here. And up until today, hadn't seen him in 4 years.)

Okay, so.
There's this thing that really confuses me. This thing that I do.

I make myself lonely.

Explanation.
I have lots of friends and lots and lots of acquaintances, that I've just gathered from Estonia and UK and all around the place, with these (almost) 7 years of travelling and roaming about the place.

Then I just seem to do my best not to see them.
And then I feel lonely.

Is it just me or like, this just does not make any sense, at all?

Okay, I would get it if I don't see anyone (apart from like my main 5-6 people) and then I'm absolutely jumping off the walls over the moon happy with this situation.
But this is not the case.

So therefore, through some logical-deduction, this makes no sense. At all.

If I don't want to be lonely, why do I make myself lonely?
Why do I cut myself off from all these people who would like to see me, or hear from me, or both?

Granted, I like solitude, form time to time. I like living in a serene, quiet surrounding - okay, fine.
But to self-create this loneliness? Think that I have to friends or people and almost envy those who do? When it's actually me who's creating this.
NON
SEN
SI
CAL

I mean, I have no idea.
M.


(If there is anyone else who does this, please please let me know why would anyone actually do this.)

hard as nails

I mean, like, seriously.
Endurance.
Endurance.
Just insane, I mean, what she can do with a skipping rope.
I've started trying, slowly, so I wouldn't actually murder my shins.
Also, how great would it be to have a personal trainer, with. an. eyepatch.

Awesome.
M.

forced ent.

i miss this
i miss sitting through 6 hours of quizoola
and bloody mess
chaos
it really really appeals to the non-control part

fragile

As we forget how fragile we are.

Happiness, eh?

Showering and Radio Tallinn which is the best jazz station I think I've ever heard/found.
(It's currently giving me some very relaxed beats, sung in Swedish.)
And letting yourself dry off.
Just stand there, and dry off.

I mean. No guilt, you know.
No guilt.
Guilt is fine, when it's necessary. But too much guilt? When there is nothing really to be guilty for?
That's the thing.

It is Saturday.
It's 5:22pm.
And it is all fine.

NOTE TO SELF:
M U S T make more videos.

It's just that kind of a day. In a pink towel.

(And what an idea. Horizontal showering.)

M.

midnight show

I know what you want
I'm gonna take you a midnight show tonight
If you can keep a secret
I got a blanket in the back seat of my mind
And a little place that sits beneath the sky
She turned her face to speak
But no-one heard her cry

Drive faster, boy

I know there's a hope
There's too many people trying to help me cope
You got a real short skirt
I want to look up, look up, look up, yeah yeah

We were just in time
Let me take a little more off your mind
There's something in my head
Somewhere in the back said
We were just a good thing
We were such a good thing

Make it go away without a word
But promise me you'll stay
Fix these things I've heard
Oh make it go away!

Drive faster, boy

A crashing tide can't hide a guilty girl
With jealous hearts that start with gloss and curls
I took my baby's breath beneath the chandelier
Of stars in atmosphere
And watch her disappear
Into the midnight show

Oh faster, faster, faster
Oh no no no no no
If you keep a secret
Well baby, I can keep a secret
If you keep a secret

The Killers,
with an absolute bang.M.

kiss me on my open mouth

Lana and her lyrics.

Ready for you,M.