face the sun

Hey, guys!

First of all, can I have a geek moment and just say that Game of Thrones starts today!
I'm never this excited over any any TV at all, but seriously, yay!

Secondly, I've got an allergic reaction on my face, quite fun actually.
I think it's contact-based nut allergy.
First time in my life.
But hey, all about the new experiences!
(..and the contact is due to new face oil. Not just rubbing nuts onto my face, in glee.)
Also, it's really encouraging me to keep super clean (eating, beauty products) post-fasting.

Thirdly, Grey's Anatomy: Derek Shepherd just mentioned Estonia!


This is my Sunday so far.
I've made hummus today, with roasted red peppers, and then I made a halloumi and mushroom salad. And I did a foodshop, more vegetables - parsnips this time, and spinach.


Below is a photo of an inspirational fox.

With love.
Yours truly.
M.

hole

I really need to drill a hole into my head so all this negativity and stuff can come out.

Seriously.
I'm so tired and so fed up with fighting this, this pressure, but I don't know how to release it, for good.
Just the same themes keep swimming up, and I feel like I'm drowning under them.
And every time this feeling gets stronger.
Hardly riding the wave.

I'm sad, and scared and unsure.
It feels like I've lost, at something, already.
It is like the score is 1-0 to someone else.
Best I can do to describe the feeling.
And then people go, oh but singing comes so easy to you.

I wish I didn't see the mountain I have to climb, but I do.
I'm ignoring starting the climb (..this might actually have a HUGE part in my current state of .....this), but I can see it in the background, constantly.
It's like the Alps.
Once you're there you cannot overlook the fact that they are THERE.

And meanwhile I'm crumbling, and crumbling.


Happy Friday.
I have love for all of you.
I hope you are doing what needs to be done, before it starts weighing heavy.

I hate making myself sad.


Yours truly.M.



And you know what.
Nothing external can cure these rips and tears in the system.
No love can work as glue, no gentle care and affection can melt it back together.
This is only a process for the Self and the Love from this Self.

1/04

Okay, so I'm trying this new thing.

And I present:
Working from home.



Basically, I have never been able to do this.
Home has never been a place for me where I can just calmly work (calm in terms of my inner feeling).
It's bizarre.
Working at home has made me so, jumpy is the word that comes to mind, and irritable.
And I'm really trying to change this pattern since town feels so loud.

I met the girls for lunch yesterday and stayed in the centre for about 5 hours.
(For comparison, I used to live in town, work in town, eat in town, town town town.)
So yesterday, I suddenly felt that it was too loud, too colourful, too busy, and TOO MUCH.
I came home and I realised how tired I felt, compared to how at peace I was at the fasting retreat.
This peace, birdsong, FRESH AIR, space to walk and move, grass and trees.
The things that make the world our world.
I felt like I had sat in a circus tent for hours - all this colour and movement.

So, back to my issue.
I wanna work.
If town is too loud, a simple deduction doesn't leave many options - home it is.

So I'm really gonna try this and untie this know that I have.

Work at home, since I can, and why not for now, you know? Just to come out of the post-fasting feeling of "too much".

So yep.
Home for now.
And so far, I'm sucking at working.


BUT.
This week following the fast is ALL ABOUT PATIENCE!!
This is realised yesterday.
The fasting itself takes so much patience, and now I'm back to the city-version of myself, the impatient, short-tempered one, who walks a little too fast, thinks a little too erratically.
So, coming out of fasting is the same - patience.
I want to live like that - patient.
I want to see myself like that - be patient.

That's all, happy Tuesday morning.
Peace out, all.

Love, always.
M.

me-platform

I follow this Estonian woman.
She writes about energies and such, but even if that kind of stuff is not your cup of tea her wisdom is so on point.

This week she was talking about something called the "ME-platform".

And she coins this as the core of this week.
This is funny because here I am, sat at home, and once again my relationship with the work things is so bad.
I'm so tired of talking about this!!
I bet you're tired of reading about it, AGAIN.
But hey, if it's a problem and it's not going away, I simply must discuss it.


So.
She was basically saying that this idea of the "ME-platform" is just You being You.
But standing on this thought, on that strength of being Yourself, like on a platform literally.
The steadiness.
The stability.
Using yourself as an infinite source for strength and inspiration.

She names Fear as the number1 thing that prevents people from wanting to find, and finding, and then being on their "ME-platform".
Fear of someone not understanding, not accepting, and you know, so forth.
She emphasises that in order for us to build a steady "US-platform" on which this world should stand, we need to have a very steady "ME-platform" and I feel this is something I really, really lack.

And this is so different from self-confidence.
Self-confidence is something you have, but this ME-platform is like, taking the self-confidence you feel, sticking it in some fertile soil, letting it take up roots, grow into a tree.
It's seedling vs. the tree.

So, what exactly am I doing in my life to further this steady, strong and amazing "ME-platform"?
What are the things I should do?
The choices and ideas and actions?
What do I need to change?

God, these are good questions.



She advises to take this week very slow - which I intend to do 112003030404000%.
Many percent.
To do one thing at a time.
Solve one question at a time.
Untie one knot, then another.
The bottomline is to create a stage where I don't want to live under a solitary rock, but rather a very steady ME-platform, where I sing, and share, and RECEIVE what's offered to me.
Where I get to do my art, and share it with people.

There isn't anything fun under a rock.



http://crystalralaksmi.com/eesti/blogi/



Love, always.M.

tonight

I'm really angsty tonight.
It's so boring.
Seriously.


I put a wash on, and I'm watching this documentary, super interesting called "Forks over Knives" again about food and the effect it has on the human body, and "Food Matters".
Again, masterpieces.
SO FASCINATING!


And I'm angsty.
I don't know why but I am and it's really really snacking on my insides.
Tomorrow I'll wake up at 8AM and get stuff done.
This is not nice.


I'm getting my nails done tomorrow, and buying some crayons.
I want my hands and fingers to aid my thinking.
And I think I'm getting my body mass and all that measured tomorrow.
The pharmacies are doing it for free until the end of the month, so I thought why not.
Interesting to find out.


I hope this is gonna disappear soon.

Night, darlings.
M.

stickers

This is one of my Star Wars stickers.

LOVE.

Yours truly.

M.

night

Hey, guys!

I'm still up and it's nearly 3:30.

Mum came back from seeing Santa with my nephew and was giving me all the Lapland news.

It's nearly time for my next tour, we kick off on Friday and have 6 dates.

We're not rehearsing in the capital so tomorrow I leave for Tartu, which is in southern Estonia.

We have a pianist rehearsal tomorrow and then two orchestra rehearsals on Thursday. So sweet!

I haven't done anything with a big orchestra in so long, so I'm super psyched for this.

It's got some tricky bits in the program but let's do it!!

Tomorrow before we leave for Tartu, I need to pack, print all the lyrics, stick some crap in the washing machine, ring my hair dresser and eat lots of pasta, just for banter really.

For now, I'm trying to get sleepy.

Adrenaline overhaul.

Peace and love, darlings.

Be safe.

Yours truly.

M.

Riia

So hello world, and goodbye world.

I'm on a bus to Riga.

Because that's what's going on right now.

And I'm listening to Peter Gabriel.

And I've sorted all my work things, and emails and some useful things.

And Riga is meant to be nice this time of year.

/ :)

And I sang my concert today. 

To school children.

Apparently, when the music teacher told the kids they were going to have a concert where I'm singing, this little one, a 7 year old girl, put her hand up, with a super troubled face:

"Are you joking with us, miss? Is she REALLY coming here?"

And yes I did.

And they were INCREDIBLE kids. 

So responsive.

And so inspired by the opera and the music.

So we agreed with the music teacher that me and the pianist would return to that school.

And it started snowing!!

Inconvenience today, but god almighty it's pretty. 

And so here I am.

Half way to Riga.

These are the days of miracle and wonder.

I have Love for all of you.

Yours truly.

Always.

M.

Today

Another crazy day.

Good singing things today.

Actually, excellent. 

Excellent singing things.

I've got super loads of lyrics to learn this week but I'm getting started tomorrow so that is all doable.

I've currently got something under 6 hours till my alarm goes off.

But all the excitement from the day is keeping my eyes open like an owl.

Tomorrow morning I'm gonna have some lovely breakfast, somewhere.

Then rehearsal 11am, and a proper home evening.

I really need to learn the switching off business. 

For now, I bid you all a superb night, from  the Spaniards bed.

Love and light.

Yours truly.

M.

Monday

So, Monday!

It's currently nearly 3am.

Tomorrow I want to.
Call the music school.
Call the pianist about listening to a lesson.
Call the singing teacher.
Message about theatre.
Go see National Theatre 50 at the cinema.
Make a now-till-end-of-year plan.
Write up some programme stuff, for 30.11 aaand January.

That's that.
OH and I also want a nice breakfast.
So.
For me to get this, I must get sleepy.

Love and light.
Yours truly.
M.

December 28, 2012

1 LESSON



Each has their own.
Everything is different
Men are different from women
And women different from men
And then each is different from the next
And every day is different
Every life
Every second
And what people do
And what they don't
And why they do what they do
And should they have done it
Should anyone do anything, at all
Or should we just not
Blah, blah, blah
I mean, really

Co-exist and co-inspire
That's all anyone can do
We see things and we can't act on it
Because these things are not our things
They are someone else's
So all we can do, is co-exist and co-inspire
And make sure we don't waste
Waste our time
Waste our talent
Waste our breath
Waste our sunrises and sunsets
And waste our joy
Because life is hard enough for us not to corrupt ourselves
So get on a swing
Laugh too loud
And delight in the ridiculous
Find someone to marvel with
Because everything is too serious anyway
Too serious and too sad
And too tragic
And too unfair and unjust
So keep hold of your own joy
Make sure you keep your shine
Be kind to yourself
And let others live through their own mistakes



We each have our lessons to learn.

With love.
M.

January 25, 2013

Something happens.

You follow your path. You wake up, go to sleep, wake up, go to sleep.
You go through the steps and the motions. Think your thoughts and do your thing.
Swim and swim, and it's all fine.
You walk the path.
And then something happens.
Suddenly something just happens.
Something happens to you or around you that just flicks a switch.

Something
happens

And then you kind of, notice. 
Suddenly you notice the path, the track, the flow, the motions, and the steps.
Then after that you see what's happened.
You see you, on this track, that is not even yours.
You see the steps, that are not even yours.
And then you see, that this you is not even you.

All because something happened.
A little insignificant something that should've been added and drowned in the white noise that is life.

But it doesn't.
It won't fade out. This feeling stays with you.
It won't disappear, because it made you look up and see that this is not your path.
It nudged you off this course, that only you know how you got onto anyway.
It gives you back the greatest gift, the belief that you can do anything.
You can do what you choose. Become what you choose.
It gives you back your fire.
And oh my, it makes you so grateful.

Something
happens.

So have the courage to go again.
Throw the dice, again. Start, again.
Have the courage to tread a new path.
Because it will pay off.
And you will have people to help you and to care about you.
And at the end of this you will be a more balanced, grateful, content version of you.
The you that is strong and not scared and doesn't just dodge. But instead faces things head on, because why not. Because being a frikkin pirate of life is great, and courageous.
And so much better than being like a halfway version of yourself.
Because let's be honest, that can go and suck d*ck.
Be the pirate, be the Beyonce, be the adventurer, the traveller.
The poet, the painter, the dancer, the singer.
The child, the successful business woman.
The linguist, the acrobat.
The warrior and the wolf.

Because, WHY NOT.

The Devil still doesn't play fair.
M.

how-to

My simple how-to for cheering myself up?

AC/DC and green tea, with jasmine.

Seriously, the riff of Back in Black is just unbeatable.
Just as a thing, and then thinking of it in Iron Man.
I mean, this just cannot be beat.

It's like the instant-coffee of cheering myself up.

Also.
I never talk inspirational women.
Helen Mirren, though, guys.
You know.

Helen Mirren.

Peace out, and I hope you're having an excellent Thursday.
Happy whatever.
Happy anything/everything to you.

With love and light.
Yours truly.
M.

this week

This week has been super busy and the countdown to HONG KONG has now shrunk down to 10 days!

When did this happen!

I meet Asia, in less than 2 weeks.
What an absolutely strange concept.

I don't know why, but I stilllll cannot even begin to understand just HOW huge this adventure is going to be!
So strange!
I really want to start UNDERSTANDING this, noww!

(So sorry for the excessive caps-lock-ing.)

I mean, really.
Usually I'm almost climbing walls with all the excitement when A. and I take on Stockholm.
So now, when we're faced with her homeground HK, I'm like struck dumb.

Anyway.
This week has been super busy.
Got some nice work things done, and seen some lovely friends.
Last night went out for a little while and then another clothes sale today.

The rest of today was just for resting, on my ass, and mostly horizontal.
Tomorrow marks the all-systems-go moment, once more.
Before official nap-time it's most definitely a time to plan tomorrow.

So, for now, I hope you have a lovely evening.
And I have a feeling good things are coming our way.

With love, and light.
Yours truly.
M.


This was for an educational concert program we're doing this season - yet to see how many schools.
Fingers crossed!


The other day I was wearing this t-shirt E. got me for my 16th birthday.
It's says MARIAQ on the back, and on the front a tiny picture of my favourite energy drink back then.
(I used to get to school super early, and I didn't like coffee back then!)


Outdoor Swan Lake next to the Opera House, with 100 swans.


Sung a little at my old school's autumn concert in the Nokia concert hall in Tallinn.
That was a first for me so it was super exciting!
Loved the dressing room and ID-card.






Also, this week marked my return to the gym, YES.


Got this coat at this big vintage festival like a month ago.
And today it earnt me a most devoted 5-year-old admirer on the bus.
No, seriously.
I think he thought I was an actual cat.

glasses

Spaniard's glasses.
Because today was a day for this.
However, I did not wear them. She did.
I simply entertained myself for a little while.

Today was a good day and now it's time for some Australian Masterchef, or the Great British Bake-off.

Tomorrow, is Wednesday.
Some emails, then "Searching for Sugar Man", and then off to see a friend, for some cooking time, sauna and just general relaxing.
I like this pace, main thing is to keep doing.

Yours truly.
M.

doing

Seriously, this.

In order to BE, you must DO.
I must do.

Doing is the key.

Ideas are "it". You need to have them.
But then?
Ideas themselves are not the thing.
They need the meat. Give your ideas the meat.
The "doing".

Yours truly.
Back in the business.
M.

today

The weather today is literally divine.


So, what's your definition of being successful?

There's this blog I sometimes check, when in need of something. I'm not her biggest fan, but sometimes she hits the right notes.http://www.bexlife.com/
I was listening to Bex's half an hour talk earlier on. And she stopped on the question of what we perceive as "success".

I mean, success is what people crave, very often. But what exactly do we perceive as "success"?
So, success for me, I guess, is living a life with health and family, a life in which I do what I enjoy, have people to share it with, and get paid good money. Enough to have freedom to travel, and explore the world. Challenging myself, and excelling at being Myself.

She had some pointers, some of which I really enjoyed -Identify your passion, write down things you love doing (even if this is watching trashy TV, or growing chickens in your back yard), circle the things that people might pay you for, and what people thank you for on a regular basis.
All extremely and I mean extremely useful things to do.

"Hard work beats talent, when talent doesn't work hard."
AEM said this to me, back when I lived in London. And he's right. I don't work hard enough, for my own measure. I used to work hard, now I pretend to work hard.
At this point can I just say I rock at deceit. I really do. I can convince everyone, including myself, of how "hard-working I am".
Lies.

Another one that I've always enjoyed, so much -
"Success happens when opportunity meets preparation."
This should put everyone's fear of failure (the greatest hinderance) to rest.
Do the preparation, do the homework, the go and channel it at the right people.
Boom.
I mean, life really is that simple.
We just like over-complicating it, starting with your's truly.

And so what I took from her and what I really plan on doing is this.
Work from "success" backwards.

In other words, take your idea of success and break it down, tracing it in backward steps.
Is doing whatever you're doing RIGHT NOW going to help you in the life you want, or is doing what you're doing the behaviour of the kind of person you want to be?

In order to be, you have to do.
There's no way around it.

So ask for opportunities, ask for favours.
And be ready to return them.
The asking for opportunities is something I really have to start doing.

And let's be honest, the whole aim of the game is to learn how to be "Best at being me".

I mean, I want to get to a point where I have opportunities of singing and making other art and/or connections in Europe and around the world, so I have to start behaving like that person.
As opposed to shutting myself off, and building this ridiculous shell.
Makes no sense.

In order to be, you have to do.

And after-all, it's summer, everything is fine, it's a Thursday, and the sun will rise tomorrow, so why not give it a go.

From the depths of Yoloheim.
Yours truly.
M.

to-do

- have a good breakfast

- pretty one and lenses
- food-shop (and band-aids!)

- clean the kitchen
- tidy livingroom
- give the key to dad
- pack clothes and bedding
- pack phone charger, and washing stuff
- take a sewing kit
- pack bikini

- oh, and stop the over-thinking

To-do.
M.

morning

I think every day would start just that little bit better (apart from Sunday mornings, which are just another thing entirely), with a mug like this.
Also, not every morning. But just those mornings when you need the world (or your mug) to tell you to get off your ass and do stuff.

Get shit done.
M.

coffee

I spoke to E. and got some motivation to do stuff!
So now I have my coffee and my apple and we're doing this!

Motivation.
M.