..

the last poem:
Shiva's dance


i keep using the word "last"
the last time
the last second
the last thought
the last lie
the very last
no the very last, really
no the last after last
no the lastest
a barren echo
and all i know is
it has no meaning
it almost mocks me
my impotent declaration
any strength it once held
now drips out like oil
constant
i stop
and all i see is
sometimes "last" will not exist
i read you my last poems
you didn't know i write
and you liked them
and you laughed
listened
it didn't make them better
it created another poem entirely

do you write poems
Shiva


unrelenting fireworks
of the past present future
all changing
and shifting face
replacing my neurons
my truth is not my truth
it stands as a stranger
my truth is just as true as the word "last"


sometimes i actually feel
like I really am Shiva
dancing
annihilation in one eye
and birth
in the other


i mean
nothing has changed.
apart from
everything that once was, is no longer
polarities shaking hands
they seem amused


and this is where the first summer sunrises
find
me
as unravelled
as i am whole


Shiva
how do you still dance
...

tonight

You know what, I'm going to bed happy tonight.

Really, I just realised this hasn't happened in a while.
That it's 0:38 and I'm in bed and ..smiling!!
So cool!
Excellent.
I'm really really liking this.


Oh, AND, I MOVED!!!
The same flat I helped move E. into some time ago and now the Penthouse is mine! :)
I'm renting for a few months, I decided to spend my spring-summer with circus, ease and happiness.
Therefore, I moved.
And Pisces is joining me soon!!
We're gonna have 2+2Fish=4Fish joint affair for the summer months.

For those who didn't know - I'm also a Piscean.


And now I'm here, in bed.
I've got a window open and the birds are singing.
Why, crazy birds? It's just past midnight!
So I'm in bed, listening to birds singing.
Some candles are burning and I'm drinking coconut water.

I finished some programs today, for Thursday concerts.
Tomorrow I'm going for a walk in the morning, then seeing a run through of this new Donizetti production at the National.
Then dad has offered to get me some stuff I need for the flat - a kettle, a pan so I can cook something, and something to cover the sofa with.


And so, good night.
I'm gonna smile some more and go to sleep.

Yours truly.
Love, always.
M.

right now

This is what I want.

And this is all if I'm honest.
All the work and projects and ideas, nope.
I want to be topless, somewhere in Italy, drinking wine on a balcony.
Or by a pool.
Or whatever.
That's what I want.
I want some Italian man with a love of opera to call me "bellissima" and that's it.
That is all.

Thanks, byyye!

Yours truly.
With love.
M.

break

So.

Where am I up to so far.

Spring is here.
And I plan to have May (and June definitely as well) as months where I don't worry about "the future". The ever elusive entity.

Months where I let the beginning of this year, all this so far, sink in, slowly and softly, steadily, and calmly.
Just. sink. in.
And this plan is solid.

I want to calm down.
I want to not-stress and I want to not-worry.


There's this idea swimming around at the moment of enrolling at the Academy here.
I wasn't sure at first but I'm really really warming to this idea.
I went out last night with Keiu, to this old shipyard, where house music legend Marshall Jefferson was hitting the beats.
The whole place looked amazing and the crowd was really excellent.
Really a different side of Tallinn and new to me.
And as I was there, dancing away, I thought of the Academy and all these other things I could do in Estonia.
And suddenly it just felt so right, and awesome, and excellent.
I've had my heart set on staying home for some time now, but I haven't really understood....the hows and whys and wheres and you know. The rest of it.
And now I feel like Reason has caught up with Intuition.
Welcome onboard, son!



I want to enjoy the fact that I'm alive, I want to enjoy that I have this mind and spirit and body, and I want to enjoy that I'm home and it's spring.

I want my insides to feel happy.

That's all.

Oh, and I want this dress below.
Thankxxx.

Peace out, all your lovely people.
Follow your own measures of right and wrong.
Necessary and unneccesary.
And when something doesn't feel right - DON'T DO IT.
When something is giving you crazzyyy fear or panic - DON'T DO IT.
Just stop for a bit, figure out what is causing you all this pain and suffering, and then carry on.
There is no deadline, no opinion or no anything more important and valuable than You and your health and your well-being.
Keep your heart strong, keep your heart happy and the rest will work itself out.
But with a fearful heart, with a sad heart you cannot get to the right things anyway.
Stop jumping over your own shadow.

Here's some photos of Slavic babes.

Love, always.
Yours truly.
M.

una vita italiana

"And so I got to do what I do best - moan."


Happy Spring.




Don't make me less.
Don't dim my anything really.
Just, yeah.
So, make me more, or go to hell.
Unleash, or hands off.

This will be step1.

Second quarter here we go, and this will be step1.



The only thing I believe in is Poetry.


Yours truly.
M.

costume

Hejj!

✿ It's May!! ✿ ♥ ☼


So.
I've got this big gala coming up on Sunday, YAY!
The teacher I'm working with, Paolo, it's an opera gala with a big bunch of his super awesome students singing at it.
And me.
Like people from the Latvian National, and these awesome competitions, et cetera.
And me.
SO COOL!
I just started studying with him beginning of December and he is amazing.
And this concert is gonna be so much fun!
I was so stressed about it and un-zhuzhed beginning of the week but the excitement has returned.

So I'm still ill, but I had our first lesson today (Paolo lives in Italty so he comes here every few months) and it was super awesome!
And now I'm going to google-inspire myself in terms of the costume for Sunday.
Basically - I've got two outfits.
_one is just a concert dress, formal.
_second is a more casual costume for Zerlina, the peasant girl, who ends up getting quite down and dirty with Don Giovanni - and this I currently don't have.

Therefore I'm channeling cute milkmaid.
Or like, lolita-esque free nature spirit girl.
Simple.

So inspiration away, ahoy!

Peace out, happy first of May!
Yours truly.

M.

dance, shiva

Shiva and Shakti.


They say the world will stand as we know it until Shiva carries on dancing.



SHIVA symbolises consciousness, the masculine principle.
SHAKTI symbolises the feminine principle, the activating power and energy.

SHAKTI, the feminine (or Prakriti) means energy, power, movement, change, nature. It is the maternal principle – the provider, abundance. In the human as well as in the animal kingdom the mother offers nourishment, warmth and security. There is no greater love than the love of a mother. The mother carries and nourishes the child in her own body. When it is born she provides it with mother’s milk and raises it at the sacrifice of her own self until it becomes self-reliant.

SHIVA, the masculine (or Purusha), on the other hand, is pure consciousness – the unchanging, unlimited and unswayable observer. Purusha has no desires whatsoever; these are inherent only in Prakriti. Purusha is the empty, clear screen onto which Prakriti projects her colourful film.

Shiva and Shakti are manifestations of the all-in-one divine consciousness - different sides of the same coin. In many pictures these two primal powers are each depicted as being one half of the same image; one side female and one side male. The left side is the Divine Mother, Pārvatī, the “feminine” energy, and the right side represents Shiva, the “masculine” consciousness.

Happy Wednesday night.
Happy end of April!
May the month of May be divine, and flowing and full of the best energy.

Love, always.
Yours truly.
M.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsYxLG5G6P0