work

Okay, expansion of the same themes.

*Warning: If you are growing tired of my personal what-looks-like-moaning, then please, this post is most probably not for you. Sorry.*

Singing.
For the past years, and this only applies to Estonia, I have starting getting serious work anxiety.
This does not apply to performing - when I'm on stage life is a daisy and I do what I do.
However, the pre-work period is hell.
My language skills of any language are not good enough for explaining to you just how unpleasant this is.
I'm talking constant underlying panic and genuinely just wanting to projectile vomit, mainly.
It's tiring, and idiotic, and I've grown SO TIRED of this crap.

And also, these options do not work: think less. stop worrying about it. let it go. just get over it. cheer up. calm down.
My simple answer to these is - f_ck you. This is not a solution.
Surely, I am intelligent enough to have figured any of these out myself.
Anyone who has ever had similar troubles of Da Mind will understand this well.
And anyone who hasn't, "just cheering up" is not an option.
Sadly.

Anyway.
I've got work stuff coming up, and this is so boring, so I thought I'd write about this.
And maybe I'll feel better and I could actually do my work prep without wanting to cry and die with a heart rate of 3000.

The thing is, I don't give myself credit for what I do.
And instead of understanding that people what to get in touch with me because they like me and like what I do, I feel like. Like.
Like it's a negative thing.
Instead of "YAYYY look at these amazing work e-mails and calls AWESOME, I am good at what I do YAY work YAY passion HELLO happy hormones!" my brain has SOMEHOW (!!!??) opted for the option of "NOOOOOOOOO why WHY! i'm going to die, they hate me, everyone, AGAIN these emails and things, i can't pick up the phone i can't i can't, i want to hide away in a hole so no one can see me".
...
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what...
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Truly, it bends my mind.
I am a clever girl, and this only emphasises the stark understanding of just how ridiculous all this is.


Hello, dear Brain.

I am a big fan of your work.
However.
Could we somehow solve this issue and could you somehow give my central nervous system the Happy command upon receiving contact from interesting, inspiring people who want to give me work because I am excellent at what I do and doing it gives me great joy.
Lay off the Panic button.
You might be drunk.
(If this is the case, go sleep it off, and resume duty.)

Yours truly.
The person for whom you should be working for.
THANXXXX.



I have got SO many excellent and super cool things coming up Jeeesuuussss and I am dying under the weight of my..(what?)..panic? fear of?
Blah blah.
Get over it, something.
I want to feel like a rainbow, not a pit of snake poison acid thunder blizzard hole.

This is my mission.
Or those of you who watch the New Hannibal: "This is my design".
(I LOVE this show.)
Or it WILL be my design once I kick this asshole out of my life.
This is what is preventing me from being Italian.
Italian's don't deal with this bullshit.
They enjoy, life and love and music, and wine and BEING.
La vita Italiana.


Seriously.

Well.
I feel much better.
I need to get all cognitive-behavioral-therapy on my own ass.
I am yet to figure out the exact actions, but I understand that this is how I'll kick it.

Yours truly.

Absolutely always.

M.

dance, shiva

Shiva and Shakti.


They say the world will stand as we know it until Shiva carries on dancing.



SHIVA symbolises consciousness, the masculine principle.
SHAKTI symbolises the feminine principle, the activating power and energy.

SHAKTI, the feminine (or Prakriti) means energy, power, movement, change, nature. It is the maternal principle – the provider, abundance. In the human as well as in the animal kingdom the mother offers nourishment, warmth and security. There is no greater love than the love of a mother. The mother carries and nourishes the child in her own body. When it is born she provides it with mother’s milk and raises it at the sacrifice of her own self until it becomes self-reliant.

SHIVA, the masculine (or Purusha), on the other hand, is pure consciousness – the unchanging, unlimited and unswayable observer. Purusha has no desires whatsoever; these are inherent only in Prakriti. Purusha is the empty, clear screen onto which Prakriti projects her colourful film.

Shiva and Shakti are manifestations of the all-in-one divine consciousness - different sides of the same coin. In many pictures these two primal powers are each depicted as being one half of the same image; one side female and one side male. The left side is the Divine Mother, Pārvatī, the “feminine” energy, and the right side represents Shiva, the “masculine” consciousness.

Happy Wednesday night.
Happy end of April!
May the month of May be divine, and flowing and full of the best energy.

Love, always.
Yours truly.
M.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsYxLG5G6P0

last year

I just revisited the writings pre-moving and also today, one year ago.


And this was quite the experience!Maybe I shouldn't be surprised that it was this emotional.

I mean, pre-moving I was terrified! I was absolutely petrified out of my mind.
I can so clearly tell just by the way I was writing, I was just somewhere else. Eyes pressed shut, so I wouldn't feel anything, not feel the fear, feel the uncertainty.
Wow...
I don't remember the feelings at all so I'm grateful to have the writings.


Today a year ago I was back home, and had been home for almost 2 months.
I wrote about finding balance, and surrounding yourself with the "right" people - the people who fan your flame and give you courage to fight your battles and take your chances.
A lot of which I was talking about I have accomplished, tenfold.
Some of which I was talking about - I am yet to do.

But I'm just.......truly shocked at how much more aware I am.
Of life, of the sensory and the mental, the spiritual and the aural. All of it.
I was just, under a layer of polyurethane foam (I'll add a photo).
Just, a non-feeling, non-honest entity.
And to think I was torturing my brain asking why the singing won't go like I feel it could have gone?
Well that is exactly the answer.
God, I would just like to give myself-a-year-ago a HUGE HUG!


This just goes to show that whatever you think that there is or is not in your life, things can change so so so very dramatically, for the better.

If you only have the courage to follow your heart, and accept the challenges.


We can choose, we can take the time to MAKE UP our minds!
There is no rush, there is only an opportunity to grow and develop.
Don't be scared, you will always have someone to cheer for you!
Just make up your mind, honest and loud and brave!
You can lie to anyone, just please not yourself.


Take time and realise that all choices are yours.


I love, and love, and love you.
Times are getting interesting.
I will fight for what I want, I will fight for what is mine.
I will fight my own voices telling me "I can't" or "I'm not good enough".
I will fight them and I will win.


But I will NOT settle.


Yours truly.
M.

Polyurethane foam, a photo.



And what I looked like then.
Exactly a year ago.

blog?

Bad kitty. 

I haven't blogged in a while.

And as we know, every day i don't blog, is a day of uncollected thoughts.

And this time is no different.

Christmas this year arrived with an unwanted friend.

Serious past and baggage time.

But this is just a matter of semiotics, I guess...

Label it different.

Not impossible.

There is no one and only.

With anything.

There's choices and options and paths.

We each have a different one.

And so we have different things that hurt.

No pain is the same.

Find the people who heal your pain.

It's the greatest gift anyone can give.

Things don't simply disappear, sadly.

Until we are ready to take them, head on, and always with love.

For that is the only thing ever to heal anything really.

So when you do find that which hurts, give it Love.

Give yourself (!!) love.

Whatever it is that has caused you this pain, it has done it long enough.

So out of pure love for yourself, forgive.

And release.

And where there was pain, is now Love.

I know all this founds fairly vague and lala-land, but it works.

I'm on my way to tour concert number 3.

It's 2 days before Christmas and my heart is somewhere else.

But it's good, all of this is good.

And last night as well, so many old friends.

So happy 4th Advent to you all.

Stick with your process, and as long as you have Hope in a universal abundance, you'll be just fine.

I think it's time for me to do some reading.

And painting.

And maybe even go to some work out class.

Or yoga with Pisces.

Mostly reading though.

As ever, yours truly.

M.

images

And what they capture.



An Afghan man offers tea to soldiers



A firefighter gives water to a koala during the devastating Black Saturday bushfires in Victoria, Australia, in 2009



A Russian soldier playing an abandoned piano in Chechnya in 1994

http://worldtruth.tv/here-are-the-30-most-powerful-photos-ever-taken/

Find the core of your soul.

Yours truly.
M.

December 28, 2012

1 LESSON



Each has their own.
Everything is different
Men are different from women
And women different from men
And then each is different from the next
And every day is different
Every life
Every second
And what people do
And what they don't
And why they do what they do
And should they have done it
Should anyone do anything, at all
Or should we just not
Blah, blah, blah
I mean, really

Co-exist and co-inspire
That's all anyone can do
We see things and we can't act on it
Because these things are not our things
They are someone else's
So all we can do, is co-exist and co-inspire
And make sure we don't waste
Waste our time
Waste our talent
Waste our breath
Waste our sunrises and sunsets
And waste our joy
Because life is hard enough for us not to corrupt ourselves
So get on a swing
Laugh too loud
And delight in the ridiculous
Find someone to marvel with
Because everything is too serious anyway
Too serious and too sad
And too tragic
And too unfair and unjust
So keep hold of your own joy
Make sure you keep your shine
Be kind to yourself
And let others live through their own mistakes



We each have our lessons to learn.

With love.
M.

visuals, once more

(un)important

I love this.

I think this is how I see love.

Appreciating the things, "the unimportant things you find important".
I love that.

Yours truly.
M.

visuals

I realised I haven't posted any photos really in so-so long!
So I shall rectify this right now.

First of all, a pap from my session with the pretty one, on this terrace in town.
Also, Maria's Book Recommendation: Jenny Diski "Stranger in a train."

Really do read this book.
So very enjoyable and so very excellent.
This was given to me by A.

And now the rest of the stuff I found.

I was helping a friend of mine do up their flat.
That day was GLORIOUS.
Worked on the flat, had some lunch in North Tallinn.
Just my kind of day.
I was a sweaty builder and loved every nano-second of it.

Tour flowers and latenight food at Spaniard's.

Helped dad build a fence.
This is the after shot.....

.............compared to the before.
Woo!

This amazing manor house, and the decor.
Just the kind of house where your wealthy anthropologist adventurer friend would live.

Some sunny, swimming days in Tallinn.

This was the last of the last.
Last gig, last minutes.

And so.
Tomorrow.

The forever elusive tomorrow.
I'm going to throw out a bunch of stuff.
Make some space.

...avant et arrière ∇.
M.

saturday

This was Saturday.

This is the Spanish one.
And this is fun.

Naised, rä.
M.

sun

There's just this super ghetto looking lot of nothing behind our apartment block.
But it gets real pretty sunsets and sunrises. 

So I'm super pleased they are yet to fill it with all-sorts of buildings, but for now, it just is.

Sunsets.
M.

all the f*cks

Oh, look at all the f*cks i don't give!



So.
I used to think this kind of attitude was in some way negative, or not really advancing anything at all.

But.
After giving this fairly significant amounts of thought time, I have now come to the conclusion, that actually it is fine.
This does not mean I don't like people, or I don't care about people.
This doesn't imply arrogance in the slightest.
This only means I don't go crazy over what people necessarily "think" about me. My clothing, or my career, or my manner of speaking. Which is all matter of subjective opinion.
And once I managed to kind of start letting go of this I was so much freer just to enjoy people as they were, not be so hung up on what I thought other people thought of me.

"Caring" too much also leads down a really evil path - perpetual competing, with other people.
If you are constantly trying to please everyone and make sure you are to everyone's taste all you are really doing is ripping yourself apart, because let's be honest here - it's impossible to please everyone.

Look in the mirror.
That's your competition.

And I don't say this as a person who wants to achieve nothing or for whom being successful is not important - on the contrary. This kind of attitude - push yourself, not compete with others - will lead to success. (I am still really very much trying to make this attitude natural and easy, so I don't have to remind myself of where to place my pinpoint of emphasis. But so far, so good. And seriously, everything comes so much easier.)

If you really work at trying to become the very very best version of yourself you can possibly be, you won't have time to judge others, therefore good things will happen, you will go far and you will succeed in whatever field you are active in.

Change your mind, and you can change anything.

With love.
M.

an actual post

THEY ARRIVED!
My boxes, guys! They arrived!

Oh my heavens, this feeling of having my things in the same space, creates this incredible atmosphere.
It sounds pretty ridiculous, so simple, so shallow, but honestly, it's not.
It's not about the things, it's about the fact that my life and everything it entails is syncing. The halves are here in the same space as me and it feels so glorious.
It feels like I have dropped the anchor and so I can now stand still, near the harbour, for just a day. Enjoy some sunshine and eat the local food.
Then drag it up again, adjust the sails, and go.

But no one can go forever, without that day near the harbour. That day of sunshine, sea food and tanned faces. Seashells, waves, dancing girls and stray cats. No one. You have to have that day.
So I am having that day.
With all my stuff, here, in my room, right now.

YAYAYYAYAYYAYYAYYYAYYYAYYAYAYAYYYYYYYYY!

Yes.

Take that day. 
M.

seriously

This is getting ridiculous.

RIDICULOUS.
M.

lemon jelly

Absolutely in love right now.
This is exactly the sort of beat I need in my life currently.
Thank you to the music list the pretty one wrote for me in 2006.

The right thing, at the right time.

Lemon jelly.
M.