news

ALMOST time for some COOL news!

Almost.


For now, I'm drinking tea, clearing out things, and thinking about cool things that could and should happen in my life.
And spring is coming!
May-June-July.

MAY-JUNE-JULY.

For any of you who don't know, these months in Tallinn are GLORIOUS.


So peace out, my darlings!
Magic is something you make.
Follow your own heart, and s_rew all else.

WITH LOVE.
Always.
M.

fasting

For starters, can I just say this fasting process is amazing, and HARD.

I've been thinking of posting something the entire time I've been here but I don't even know where to start.

Or how to start.

Today is day4 so tomorrow is the last one and then we leave.

I feel like I came here a lifetime ago. Time completely loses meaning when you don't measure it like we're used to.

No meal times, no duty times, no meetings.

You just Are.

I've realized how much I use food to claim control over something, life I guess.

When something doesn't go right, I eat - something that I Want.

When I feel this or that or the other, I eat - again, something that I Want.

And this is an endless cycle of utterly fake self-gratification.

It leads to nowhere.

Just your system ending up carrying so many toxins which it most certainly does not need.

Same with drinking, smoking.

Unnecessary pollution if we're honest.

So now I'm here, sat on my bed.

Last time I ate was Tuesday night. (Which by the way sounds ridiculous, to me!! And even more ridiculous is the fact that my body is 100% fine!!!)

My mind feels alert, it is easier to breathe and feel and connect.

I've walked in the woods and the fields behind this farm house where we are staying. I've read books, many of them, I've meditated and I've danced, and I've felt easy.

And then - this feeling comes back - the anxiety of life, what about this, what about that, what about these expectations and those rules or deadlines et cetera et cetera et cetera...... The list is endless.

But I really do not want this.

I want to live a life where the process is the true joy. 

I listened to some music yesterday and danced a little (not too much because I would not have the energy - downside of fasting) and it was so amazing, just to be able to do that.

I've definitely found some peace, which was so desperately necessary and there is space now - space for new life, in my insides, my brain cells, my thoughts.

Having had Pisces here is such a help. This is not something I would want to do on my own right now. Maybe at some point in this life, but not now.

So - I've drank probably twice my body weight in fresh birch and maple tree "juice". I've released some fear. I've slept a lot. I've emptied my insides (not the nicest part of fasting). I've had two massages. I've sat in the sauna every night. And I've definitely spent two lifetimes of just enjoying the moments. The weather has been a godsend and spring is in full gear.

Just to say - if I would have come here to diet or lose weight or whatever, this would be hell on earth, truly, no jokes.

The only way and I mean the only way to fast is when you feel a meaning - you find something you want to resolve and release or purify or cleanse, something that has hurt you or confused you or made you feel lost or down or anything! The list goes on but you get the point.

Because your body will be a little off-track at times, and then you say "I'm cleansing you", "I'm purifying you", "I'm releasing anger from my mind", "I'm making new space".

And it works, you carry on and the process keeps developing.

I love you all, as ever.

I don't want to stay in the dark, guys, I really don't. 

I don't want to fear some random bulls*t and I want to feel Light and free.

So that's me, almost post-fasting.

This is about endurance, doing what's good for me, and not always peeking at the easy way out - with this kind of work, there are no shortcuts.

God it's hard, and god it's good.

Yours truly.

Love, always.

M.

fertile soil

Hey, guys!

Happy Monday!
This is a post about soil, seeds and fertility.



Spring is a time for new life.
Life coming out of the soil, of muck and mud, making something where there was none before.
It's a season all dedicated to new beginnings, and births.
And planting the seeds.
Plant as many as you can, and find some fertile soil.
Find soil that fits you.
Don't throw your precious seeds of ideas and emotions and needs on soil where people disrespect and disregard you.

Your wishes and your wants are your children - treat them as such.
With love and care and let them grow grow grow, stronger and steadier.
And one day they will make new life themselves.
Don't drown your inspiration, but hold it above water and see what happens.


I felt something today.
I realised that it's time for me to grow and finally see that some things in this world are forever.

That not everything runs out.
Some things don't have a beginning or an end, they just are.
Forces and waves bigger than me and you and all of us put together.
Some things don't run out.
Some things are infinite, the tap keeps running.
Some things don't have a beginning and an end.
They just are.
The Love that flows about in this world is not a limited resource - it flows and flows and flows.
It remains.
Not everything runs out.

And so we don't need to hold on just so tight.
There will always be something to catch us if we just give life a chance to catch up.
It's like keeping your eyes shut really shut, and saying how dark everything is.
There's always something.

But this takes such courage (which I'm working on right now).
To trust that some taps just keep running, running, running until the end of infinity.


Trust life, so magic can come and help you.
Quite seriously.
Love, always.
M.

all in

All Stephanie.
Adidas.

This is so self-explanatory.

dance
dance
dance
dance

With love.
M.

bla bla

There's been a load of "bla bla" in my head lately.
Which also coincides with no meditation.

So there's a big fat point in this.
At least for me.

Lesson to be learnt: sit and breathe, child. Sit and breathe.
Meditating isn't anything else or more complex.
Clarity of mind, sat or not, doesn't matter.
It's just I like sitting.



Even in recklessness, heal your hearts.


BLA BLA, go home.
M.

Earth Day

Yesterday was Earth Day, and I walked my little balls off.
No, like, really.
I walked a crazy amount yesterday.

In town, with some pastry, for a while.
Then kind of, late afternoon, for a long time. I walked into town, from home, took like an hour and a bit.
And then more just before going to bed.
A lot of walking.

But it was super nice, and very therapeutic. Me and Peter Gabriel had a marvellous time.
I mean, really.
Next time I have anything to solve, at all, or release or just get over, that is what I need to do.
Have comfy footwear, have Peter Gabriel in my little earholes and walk, walk, walk.
Besides, the weather was divine.
And the sun was setting.

And I enjoy finding unexpected places or see something really beautiful, or just striking.
This photo does not do it justice, but this sunset was amazing.
Even though it's some crappy parking lot that I have never even properly looked at.

Perpetual quest for balance.
I've always said this, always, for yeeears. And that has always been the thing.
And now I was dealt a superb card to test everything that I think I know.

But spring is here.
And beauty is all over the place.

So go explore.
M.

clear out

Today I am being productive and doing something that I've been putting off for a while - the "big clear out".

My boxes should be arriving from LDN today so I'm equally super excited but also aware that I was to make a lot of space. So I'm just sorting through all my belongings in TLN to see whether I actually need any of them. And so far so good.
The bin bags are filling and it honestly feels like it's easier to breathe.

And of course my favourite t-shirt with Edward Cullen is helping me out.
Thanks, clothing item.

Make your own air.
M.

turn right, or turn wrong

i've been thinking about this wrong
i've been thinking about singing wrong
cause i've always thought that at the point where i would rather not breathe, singing is not gonna improve anything, that it will just highlight what i can't do, or what i should be doing better.
BUT.
it's wrong.
singing is just the thing i'll need to do then, because all i need to do is follow what's already been written down for me.
that's all.
so simple, so clear-cut, so straight, in every way. so comforting, so steady and stable.
so clean. so clear.
so transparent.
so sure. and unchanging.
feet on the ground, something to latch on to.

i've been thinking about this wrong, i think.
M.