dialogue

I must have more dialogue with myself.
I cannot go on auto-pilot, this does not work and is eventually truly truly destructive, and therefore also very counter-productive.
I need to stay present and need to stay mindful.


Lessons in life.


Also.
Gratitude second.
I cannot believe that Life has been kind enough to send my teacher my way.
It's so bizarre how the destruction and creation came from the same source.
Mystical, I tell you.
Mystical.


Happy Friday, everyone.
I'm home for a sec and then off to Keiu's for a dinner party.
Which is just about the loveliest of all plans.


I cannot cross the line where my need for personal space becomes involuntary detachment.
Learn, child.
And be happy in this Universe.
Everything else is blindness and a waste.

Learning myself and learning my boundaries.
What an interesting ride.



Love, to all of you.
Yours truly, always.
M.

hey, guys!!

I'm feeling so cheerful it's almost weird.

We're sat on the bus on our way back to Tallinn.

I'm listening to Beethoven's 9th (thanks, shuffle!), drinking birch tree juice and googling vegan recipes and Eco-shops in Tallinn. Post-fasting you basically have to recover for as long as you did the fast so in my case 5 days. 

This doesn't mean anything else apart from being super gentle to my insides.

Also, I really want a juicer.

Time to check the budget.

Peace and love and happy Sunday!

M.

sthlm

So far we've been pretty excellent with our checklist.

We have done coffee, walks, pasta and plenty of chats.

And we have now also seen Aragorn on the screen.

Tomorrow we visit the cinema to stare at Thor and his hammer.

I am almost calming down.

Almost. 

Earlier on I managed to explain to A. that I feel "fragmented". 

It's this relentless working passion that I have, and I'm proud of.

But at the same time it means that I get caught in it very very easily.

So the lesson remains - taking breaks.

Learning to understand the importance of breaks.

And just unashamedly taking them, when needs be.

Because all we have, till we die, is Ourselves.

Yours truly.

M.

being pisces

So I read this thing somewhere.
About how each of us have something to learn from our Zodiac sign.
How the negative aspect of it is a vessel for learning, your own personal lesson.

I am Pisces.
The double-fish.

"Pisces Suns may spend a good portion of their lives yearning for understanding, and the other part in a state of divine discontent. Suffering is sometimes glamorized in the Piscean world.Harsh realities are avoided either through escapist behavior or self-delusion; but every now and again reality does raise its ugly head, and hits Pisces over the head. This is a sad time indeed. Pisces retreats into their own world, self-pitying and giving pep talks to themselves.
Some might even wonder if Pisces finds pleasure in suffering. Sometimes this is the case, but most of the time, Pisces pulls a lot of creative energy from sadness. Pisces is the poet or artist with angst, although this trait is often more apparent with Moon in Pisces.
Many Pisces seem almost allergic to things like shopping lists, maps, directions, and instructions, and for some brave souls, even watches — they prefer to feel their way through life than to follow some plan."

This is so very much like me.
From all angles.

Therefore - I need to learn how to sink my claws into something solid.
Something that doesn't shift and would therefore give me the stability that I'm so very much yearning for.
All the time.

It's true that this moaning thing sometimes becomes a juicy bone for Pisces. Self-pity has no benefits, let's get this straight.
The thing is, I really feel like I've grown out of this enjoyment of the mutable state.
Life is mutable enough. We can't foresee the choices and actions of other people, or the weather for that matter, anything, so truth be told, we control very little.
But we can choose for ourselves.
So why not do that.
I used to be a big fan of letting things go, just unravelling, my things, and therefore miss opportunities, really positive ones. Miss people, miss chances, miss life.
And that's as boring, as it is stupid.

I'm yet figuring out what the answer is.
Something physical would make sense.
I find that some kind of movement grounds me in the body, which is a really easy, "normal" thing, to sink your teeth into.
So even if you can't control A, B or C, you sure as hell can control your arms and legs.

Learn from your sign.

Trust
the
process

Yours truly.
M.

extraordinary

..guts.

I plan to live with extraordinary guts.

But for now, most of this is a mess.
Still.
Old patterns and stuff.
But at the same time I'm trying to be mindful of this mess.
And not think this is the way it's meant to be.
But rather understand that I can change most things, all of us can. (And oh my, I didn't believe this a few years ago.)

Moving home has been truly glorious, but truth is, old context carries old habits. A lot of which I'm not interested in, at all.

I need to remember to always look outwards. (When it's not time to look inwards and only inwards.)

The weather is divine.
I'm gonna go to my cousin's spiritual or just-Being place (whatever people need) and get my head straight.
Then back to Tallinn and I've got a wedding I'm singing at, in this big church. So wonderful that. A wedding. Two people ACTUALLY being brave enough to do it. I have so much respect for that.
Then later on I've got a super exciting meeting and the little opening of this low-key courtyard place.

Happy Saturday.
M.

This is where I'm going today.

aujourd'hui

Today was a Tuesday.
And the weather was nice.
I saw an old friend (although she's like a forever friend to be honest), talked some art with interesting people and then ended the day on this terrace, which is awesome.
So now I'm home. Chilling and being horizontal, with Biggest Loser.

I'm quite chilled out.
This feels nice.

I've got plenty of work to do, but I will wake up tomorrow morning and do that, and for now these thoughts are allowed to vacate my mind.

And leave behind, peace. Tranquil peace, which is of course emptiness in itself. But not the kind of emptiness that should ever be feared.
The good kind.

Oh, and, what I wanted was interesting people.
And this is what I got.
Tonight, I'm allowing myself to feel good about stuff, regardless of all the things I still need to do.
I will always have things to do.
But tonight, I'm allowing myself to feel good.

Allow yourself to feel good.
M.

face

I should honestly tattoo this on my face.

Learning.
M.

bla bla

There's been a load of "bla bla" in my head lately.
Which also coincides with no meditation.

So there's a big fat point in this.
At least for me.

Lesson to be learnt: sit and breathe, child. Sit and breathe.
Meditating isn't anything else or more complex.
Clarity of mind, sat or not, doesn't matter.
It's just I like sitting.



Even in recklessness, heal your hearts.


BLA BLA, go home.
M.

make my systems blow

So last night I got my mind blown.

By Prince Rama.

I mean.
It was enough to make my systems blow, into specks of stardust or something.
Crazy good.

Such an experience.
Such a shake, in the right direction.
Such force and the beat and the pulse and the power.

A
maze
balls.

And I spoke to the girls after and they were just so lovely and warm so it was absolutely super awesome over-all.
My heart chakra did a gratitude dance.

Open.
M.

brain

So, brain.
No, seriously.
My subconscious has really very strongly got into a habit of late of doing it's dirty dirty washing as I sleep. Of course this happens to all of us that sometimes we have unresolved crap which then goes into the wonderful subconscious.
But I'm genuinely bored of this.

Stuff that I don't actively think about.
Stuff that shouldn't be a negative thing.
Stuff that I don't want to think about.
Stuff that just doesn't belong, anywhere.

But last night was a great night. K and M-L are in town from TRT for the weekend, and I was so truly super excited! And so very pleased.
Like, just so fresh and like, I don't even know.
Awesome-sauce tripled.
So much dancing, and so much super fun. Seriously.
I'm super grateful for this.

And tonight plans to carry on this vibe.
E and I are joining forces later, to see what comes out of that egg-shell this time around.

Go rest, brain.
M.

sense

this makes the most sense
out of anything
ever

no knowledge is knowledge unless you make it yours
unless this means something to you it's useless
so even if someone you respect to the Moon and back says something and you simply don't agree with, you don't have to bend your mind to do that

if it matters to you, keep it.
if it makes sense to you, believe it.
if it makes you feel clarity, follow it.

it doesn't matter whether it's a system or whether you've borrowed bits and pieces from here and there - if it is something that makes you grounded and hopeful and excited, if this knowledge is yours, that is the only thing that matters.

Sense.
M.

kaleidoscope

Yesterday I suddenly remembered how much I loved my kaleidoscope.
Something about it just made everything COOL, and awesome and I don't even know.
For the 5-year-old me it was such a mind-bending view-altering thing, more than a toy.

No, honestly, my love for that thing is boundless.
So now I've decided to find one. And buy one.
And look into it, every, single, day.

It's a tube and some stuff and that's it.
It's so plain and nothing special.
And then BOOYA - mind. blown.

And that's what life is like.
I need to buy one.
Pronto.

Kaleidoscope eyes.
M.

cleanse

i am going to cleanse my space
which is what i'm currently doing

This was never ever a priority (I think I've mentioned this before). (I'm pretty sure I have, actually.)
But now because I feel that my mind's so much clearer and less cluttered I actually feel that I want the space around me to echo that.
So all of my hands on deck for this mission.

Cleanse.
M.

tuesday

I've been very useful today. So I give myself a point!

And we've got an awesome awesome Tuesday planned! (Since it is my last official day. OH. MY. F*CK.)

AEM and I are gonna get up at 7AM and go to town for breakfast. We've got a table for 8.30 at this place http://www.gordonramsay.com/bread-street/
And I'm so going to have eggs benedict. Ahhh, eggy B, my old friend. (And probably some pink grapefruit.)





Then we're meeting J. at the Barbican tube station around half 9 to go to the Barbican for the Rain Room installation.
Rain Room is a hundred square metre field of falling water through which it is possible to walk, trusting that a path can be navigated, without being drenched in the process.
http://random-international.com/work/rainroom/
It looks absolutely incredible. Apparently the queues are like crazy (3-4 hours) so we're getting there an hour and a half before it opens. We're going armed with boardgames (connect-4 and battleship which I love) and I'll need a can of Sprite I think.
And then AJ is joining us a bit later.

Once we've seen the Rain Room and got our minds blown to particles AEM and I have some errands to run, after which it's PANCAKE DAY!
Since it's Shrove Tuesay it's time for some Pancakes. For the 5th year in a row I'll be making the pancakes. The thing is I don't really like eating them, but gosh, do I love making them.
And then we're going to the cinema to see Django.

And then I'm going to sleep, think some good thoughts and not freak out.
I keep swinging from loving everything and everyone to being so scared and anxious to back to this total sentimental love again. It's much like a rollercoaster, honestly.

But this is where I have to give credit to the girls at home, E., the pretty one, K. for their unfaltering excitement at my return and being so positive. Otherwise I just couldn't go through with this. So I'm just taking a moment to be grateful.
And of course, A. who's like a brother, a sister, a pet, and a grandad all rolled into one.

Here's to shifting yourself.
All my love.
M.

human mind

the human mind fascinates me.
what tips us over, you know
what gets us over the bridge
and how random it is
having said that, i think the genders are hugely different here
either way
it's fa-sci-na-ting.



"why are you so blonde"
"why must you be so blonde"
"why do you have to be so blonde"


and we will never look back at the fading silhouette

Inside the Actors Studio is making my late-night.
M.

midnight show

I know what you want
I'm gonna take you a midnight show tonight
If you can keep a secret
I got a blanket in the back seat of my mind
And a little place that sits beneath the sky
She turned her face to speak
But no-one heard her cry

Drive faster, boy

I know there's a hope
There's too many people trying to help me cope
You got a real short skirt
I want to look up, look up, look up, yeah yeah

We were just in time
Let me take a little more off your mind
There's something in my head
Somewhere in the back said
We were just a good thing
We were such a good thing

Make it go away without a word
But promise me you'll stay
Fix these things I've heard
Oh make it go away!

Drive faster, boy

A crashing tide can't hide a guilty girl
With jealous hearts that start with gloss and curls
I took my baby's breath beneath the chandelier
Of stars in atmosphere
And watch her disappear
Into the midnight show

Oh faster, faster, faster
Oh no no no no no
If you keep a secret
Well baby, I can keep a secret
If you keep a secret

The Killers,
with an absolute bang.M.

brain

So many things in my head today.

Where do they fit?


And just how? How how how how how how how how how?


Tomorrow I shall go into London Town and look pretty. Potentially sunbathe in a park, and read a book, and eat a cinnamon swirl that I intend to buy from the Scandinavian kitchen. Because that is what life is about.

As ever, M.