fertile soil

Hey, guys!

Happy Monday!
This is a post about soil, seeds and fertility.



Spring is a time for new life.
Life coming out of the soil, of muck and mud, making something where there was none before.
It's a season all dedicated to new beginnings, and births.
And planting the seeds.
Plant as many as you can, and find some fertile soil.
Find soil that fits you.
Don't throw your precious seeds of ideas and emotions and needs on soil where people disrespect and disregard you.

Your wishes and your wants are your children - treat them as such.
With love and care and let them grow grow grow, stronger and steadier.
And one day they will make new life themselves.
Don't drown your inspiration, but hold it above water and see what happens.


I felt something today.
I realised that it's time for me to grow and finally see that some things in this world are forever.

That not everything runs out.
Some things don't have a beginning or an end, they just are.
Forces and waves bigger than me and you and all of us put together.
Some things don't run out.
Some things are infinite, the tap keeps running.
Some things don't have a beginning and an end.
They just are.
The Love that flows about in this world is not a limited resource - it flows and flows and flows.
It remains.
Not everything runs out.

And so we don't need to hold on just so tight.
There will always be something to catch us if we just give life a chance to catch up.
It's like keeping your eyes shut really shut, and saying how dark everything is.
There's always something.

But this takes such courage (which I'm working on right now).
To trust that some taps just keep running, running, running until the end of infinity.


Trust life, so magic can come and help you.
Quite seriously.
Love, always.
M.

fasting

Hey, guys!

So.

Fasting.



So.


Basically.
I've been really really struggling lately with focusing my mind.
And getting some space.
I've just been kind of...okay, the best way to describe the feeling is full, but full of nothing, and I feel a need to get some space.
It would affect everything, from singing, to breathing, to being, to Thinking.
In one word, life.

And so.
Pisces mentioned something, this farm house, 2 hours south from Tallinn, and it's a fasting retreat.
Now then.
I've never ever been familiar with the idea of fasting nor have I been particularly positive about it.
But I think it was always because of the context of people saying "I won't eat 2 days out of the week to lose weight and get skinny" and that frankly gets me f_king aggressive.
But, you know me, guys. A retreat of meditation, quiet and peace and space for 5 days.
Yes, please, thanks.
And all of a sudden this idea of fasting didn't feel wrong or violent, it felt necessary.
Just truly necessary, like something I need.
Literally clear the system and clear my head and get some space inside, get some space to breathe, and get some space for something positive to have the place to come streaming in.



So I did some reading.
I know this is seen as something extreme and weird and you know, fill in the gap with any negative adjective.
But all I can give you is what I know.
So I did some reading.


During a "big clean" the body assesses what is necessary and what's not. Everything unnecessary will be released and the necessary remain.
Fasting quite literally gives your cells a restart. The toxins that gather in the system leave, and the cells get a fresh new GO.
It doesn't weaken the system - it strengthens it.
Immune system, nervous system.
More space on the "interal harddrive".
And in addition to new energy, and some serious "forza vitale", it clears your head.
It teaches patience and dedication.
Best done at spring.


And it is spring.
It's spring.
Outside, it is spring.
And I don't feel it!
I need to feel it's spring.
I need it to be spring inside.
I need to get new space, new air, I need to feel like something new is happening and growing, on the inside.

I need to feel potential, a potential for something wonderful to happen.
Oh Jesus mother of 7 heavens, I miss that feeling.
Just potential.
I don't want it start raining gold on my face, or win with some lottery or whatever.
I just want to feel the feeling of Potential.
A space, a potential for something wonderful to happen.


And so I'm going to the retreat.
I'm doing a spring clean, within myself, giving my digestive system a break, giving my cells a boost of energy, and most importantly I'm clearing my head.
Out out out out out out out with the old.
Refresh, reboot, reformat.

I'm going Wednesday to Sunday.
I'll take my books.
I'll take some crayons.
I'll meditate and draw and maybe sing.
And oh, there's a masseuse there.

Just, I'm not still water.
I need air, to breathe, space to think, room for new thoughts and room to let in my enthusiasm.


And of course, I'll tell you later how it was.


Peace out, and love to all of you.

Embrace the duality.
M.

freedom

Hey, guys.

Happy Tuesday evening, everyone.

This weekend has been a glorious expansion of this week of not doing much at all.

I feel so pointless it's almost funny, and at the same time I've got a work-stuff-list the length of my actual arm waiting for me to invest my ideas and energy and time into it.
Oh, the paradox.
My face feels like its swollen, sinuses, throat, everything, and this only further deepens this feeling of passivity.
And resentment.


I'd like to run free, on a meadow, and spend time on my head, in a semi-headstand, and I'd like to wear long skirts, and sing songs that haven't been written down yet.
I long for freedom and I feel like I don't have any of it.
..and I don't know why.
I'm trying to figure out the reason, to get rid of it.
Trying to find the button, the trigger.
What is causing my loss of freedom, the lack of.
Hopefully I'll stumble on the answer soon.

Because I really don't like this feeling, or restrain, restraint or being restricted.
Restraints.
I don't like being in restraints.
It goes against my heart and it goes against my soul-being.

I don't want these restraints.

I don't know where they have come from, they are not mine, they don't belong with me.

This is also the reason why I can't breathe properly when I sing, which is why I cannot use my voice fully.


This is not my feeling.



This period of time is such a low-point, I'll be honest with you.
So many things have come to light, that I haven't noticed before, and the problem is I simply cannot sing like that. With that much tension, mental tension, and restrain.
It kills my voice and it kills me.
I really feel like I'm stuck, or standing behind a door but I can't find the handle.
I understand this is something I need to grow through, develop and leave this behind, but I really just cannot find the handle..





I really, really need to find my freedom.
Or maybe let the freedom find me.
To be the witch, the See-er, the hearer, the healer.
The love, the energy, the light.
Why am I dimming my own light.
The mover, the giver.
Freedom.
God, it's been forever since I felt free.
Enjoyed Being.



I hate everything.


M.













If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you.

grace and choice

This lyric from this song absolutely kills me.
I love it, beyond beyond.



And usually these lists of nice -insert something- don't work for me, but this is truly wonderful.
And I am inclined to agree with all of it.

sun

There's just this super ghetto looking lot of nothing behind our apartment block.
But it gets real pretty sunsets and sunrises. 

So I'm super pleased they are yet to fill it with all-sorts of buildings, but for now, it just is.

Sunsets.
M.

daily reminder

Just a little daily reminder.
Especially now that spring is coming, and the air is so different and fresh and new.

It's so tempting to run with the spring madness, which of course I plan to do, but sometimes it's nicer to stop and breathe.

Happy Saturday!

Always.
M.

clear out

Today I am being productive and doing something that I've been putting off for a while - the "big clear out".

My boxes should be arriving from LDN today so I'm equally super excited but also aware that I was to make a lot of space. So I'm just sorting through all my belongings in TLN to see whether I actually need any of them. And so far so good.
The bin bags are filling and it honestly feels like it's easier to breathe.

And of course my favourite t-shirt with Edward Cullen is helping me out.
Thanks, clothing item.

Make your own air.
M.

bare bones

I don't like Rihanna's image and I don't like the vast majority of her music.
This, however, is not in that category, at all.
On the contrary.

I threw my hands in the air I said show me something

Something in the way you move.
M.

iceland

Once A. and I go to Iceland, this will be our holiday.
I feel the left one would be my mug.

Travel.
M.

packing mess

I
will
run
tomorrow

I need to clear my head.
It feels a little like, all the stuff I'm throwing out I'm throwing into my brain. I need some clarity, air and focus so tomorrow I'm taking a physical break from all this stuff-based nonsense.
I still need to go to Nike World and get some babies for myself, so tomorrow I'm just gonna borrow J's trainers (woooo yay!!). They are pink. Bonus.

Also, I didn't have enough food in the house today, and I can really feel the lack of snacks today - I'm hungry. But having said this, I really like that I don't concentrate on "eating too much" at all, but rather making sure that I stay clear of "eating too little". Yay.

So.
List for tomorrow.
Wake-up.
Breakfast.
Go hunt for boxes. Seriously. A serious hunt.
Then try on lots of clothes, all clothes, every item, of clothing, ever, and shoes.
And then sort them into Yes-No-Maybe piles, and then Yes-No.
Sorting, packing day.
Tomorrow is time to work a little harder.

For now, it's Dancing on Ice, which I love to literal madness.
And some Lindt dark chocolate with almonds and orange bits.
And then I'll make some tea, and watch some Bond.
And a photo of AEM's snack, and one of my packing mess.

AJ says "hi".

Skate-skate-skate.
M.

air?