work

Okay, expansion of the same themes.

*Warning: If you are growing tired of my personal what-looks-like-moaning, then please, this post is most probably not for you. Sorry.*

Singing.
For the past years, and this only applies to Estonia, I have starting getting serious work anxiety.
This does not apply to performing - when I'm on stage life is a daisy and I do what I do.
However, the pre-work period is hell.
My language skills of any language are not good enough for explaining to you just how unpleasant this is.
I'm talking constant underlying panic and genuinely just wanting to projectile vomit, mainly.
It's tiring, and idiotic, and I've grown SO TIRED of this crap.

And also, these options do not work: think less. stop worrying about it. let it go. just get over it. cheer up. calm down.
My simple answer to these is - f_ck you. This is not a solution.
Surely, I am intelligent enough to have figured any of these out myself.
Anyone who has ever had similar troubles of Da Mind will understand this well.
And anyone who hasn't, "just cheering up" is not an option.
Sadly.

Anyway.
I've got work stuff coming up, and this is so boring, so I thought I'd write about this.
And maybe I'll feel better and I could actually do my work prep without wanting to cry and die with a heart rate of 3000.

The thing is, I don't give myself credit for what I do.
And instead of understanding that people what to get in touch with me because they like me and like what I do, I feel like. Like.
Like it's a negative thing.
Instead of "YAYYY look at these amazing work e-mails and calls AWESOME, I am good at what I do YAY work YAY passion HELLO happy hormones!" my brain has SOMEHOW (!!!??) opted for the option of "NOOOOOOOOO why WHY! i'm going to die, they hate me, everyone, AGAIN these emails and things, i can't pick up the phone i can't i can't, i want to hide away in a hole so no one can see me".
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Truly, it bends my mind.
I am a clever girl, and this only emphasises the stark understanding of just how ridiculous all this is.


Hello, dear Brain.

I am a big fan of your work.
However.
Could we somehow solve this issue and could you somehow give my central nervous system the Happy command upon receiving contact from interesting, inspiring people who want to give me work because I am excellent at what I do and doing it gives me great joy.
Lay off the Panic button.
You might be drunk.
(If this is the case, go sleep it off, and resume duty.)

Yours truly.
The person for whom you should be working for.
THANXXXX.



I have got SO many excellent and super cool things coming up Jeeesuuussss and I am dying under the weight of my..(what?)..panic? fear of?
Blah blah.
Get over it, something.
I want to feel like a rainbow, not a pit of snake poison acid thunder blizzard hole.

This is my mission.
Or those of you who watch the New Hannibal: "This is my design".
(I LOVE this show.)
Or it WILL be my design once I kick this asshole out of my life.
This is what is preventing me from being Italian.
Italian's don't deal with this bullshit.
They enjoy, life and love and music, and wine and BEING.
La vita Italiana.


Seriously.

Well.
I feel much better.
I need to get all cognitive-behavioral-therapy on my own ass.
I am yet to figure out the exact actions, but I understand that this is how I'll kick it.

Yours truly.

Absolutely always.

M.

lonely-cat time

Someone's having a PROPER party somewhere in our apartment building.
IT'S SO COOL!
One of them has a guitar and they are singing soooo many well known folky songs.

And so it's Friday night..

And UGH.
Whatever.

I was gonna write about stuff, but now I'm just over it.

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

Wtf.
For no reason.
So fun.

But as always, I'm working on it, roots up, to really get rid of it.
And as always it's a lack of personal TLC time.
Always is.
And the response is always to turn to external fire extinguishers, but I'm really trying.


So instead, here's a photo of my breakfast this morning with the Spanish one.
She's been gone about a second and I really miss her. Ridic.
We so did not finish our chats today.

Her's is the omelette, mine's the pancake (with fresh strawberry jam, not ketchup).



The gig tonight was another full house.
On our way to TLN I really thought I was gonna go into town, with the Pisces-2.
But then I got a bad case of a guilty conscience - gig tomorrow, should rest, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

blah
blah
blah
blah
blah

Bottomline.
Now I'm home, thinking WHERE IS MY PARTY.
Where are the people I want to see?
UGH.

Anyway.

The point is.
It's a messy night.

They keep getting sparser and sparser.

And I really, really wish one day they'll stop coming.

WHEREISMYPARTY.

F_k YOU, conscience.
M.

jenna

"This is just, something." (As described by A. But I really really agree.)

Jenna Marbles is known for her pretty brilliant Youtube channel, where she posts a video every Wednesday, about anything really, anything that she fancies.
She's always absolutely hilarious, and looks so positively full of life.
And this week her video was something very different.

Even if you don't follow her channel on Youtube, and you have 8 minutes, watch this.
I think it's worth a watch.
And a nice idea in itself.

Draw your life.
M.

5 years of blog

Happy birthday, my blog!

5 years ago on the 19th of February I wrote my first blog post on this address.
And it was so very different.

The first post was called "raindrops and moonlight", and back then I was writing in Estonian.
I was feeling unwell and reading some Estonian poetry.
Not very different, apart from just how melancholic the tone is. Just crazy, imagining thinking like this now.
I'm ecstatic to realise that some of the things I really yearned for back then, I've reached by now. Kudos, self.
And I was eating this chocolate. I think dad sent it from home.
And I was looking forward to the arrival of spring.

So some things never change.
M.

homecomfort

Back to the post about the little moments a day, of just little comforts.

I'd like to go hiking. Well, maybe not necessarily hiking - rather for an adventurous mountain-air walk. Not such a "little comfort", plus I want the ground to come out from undernearth the snow, and then I shall look into this. Maybe find a cool place around London, and do it before The Move.

But cups of tea, and good baths, and favourite movies.
I found this list on this blog. The list was called "Feeling Sad?" and I quite liked it. Not that I was feeling sad, but I thought the list was good anyway. (I'll give you a selection)

Here’s all the things I do to help myself feel less sad:

(if you have any more suggestions, send them to me and I’ll put them up here!)

- Ride a bike.

- Pet my dogs.

- Color in coloring books.

- Do yoga.

- Light some candles and meditate.

- Take a bath with all the fancy works.

- Throw paint on canvas, literally just throw it.

- Walk outside.

- Go for a run.

- Watch Lord of the Rings.

- Smile, even though I never want to, it does make you feel a little better.

- Talk to friends.

- Get a bulletin board and fill it with pictures you like.

I really liked it. But I do think dancing should ABSOLUTELY be on the list as well!

I am also in love with the fact that she has Lord of the Rings on the list - I went through a period of just watching it every day, for kicks. I didn't even like it that much before, and then BOOM - daily occurrence. Why not.

So.
Small things that make a big difference.
M.

Also. Some of you might not like tea, and baths, and Lord of the Rings at all, or you might not enjoy dancing, and walking on mountain tops which is soooo unquestionably fine.
Just find the little things that do make you happy, that's all.