space

Back to this question, of space, my own space.
I was thinking about this today, as I was walking home.
Thinking of the way the floor will feel, thinking of having a vinyl player, and playing records of Chopin, or whatever, that I will have bought from this second hand/ vintage shop.
And cups of tea, sat on the floor, in socks.
And drawing, and having more and more courage to dream so big that I could almost faint and feel that I can't fit my dreams in my head and my heart.
And maybe get some of my friends to paint something on the walls.
And just make it my space.

My
space

My
own
space

for
me

Space
just
for
me

With love.
M.

dream big

Confession.
I haven't dreamt big in a while.
I don't think I've actually dreamt at all for a while.
I used to, a lot, and now it's just kind of disappeared or moved to the sidelines.
But I think it's absolutely, absolutely essential.

Dreaming is not a waste of time. Anyone who says so I simply have to disagree with, completely.
Dreaming is like, creating the winds for your own sails, you know?
You have dreams and then you can turn them into goals.
"Goals are dreams with deadlines."

Dreaming.
"Stop daydreaming". As if it's a bad thing. Of course, there's a time for everything and I'm not asking you or myself to daydream non-stop and in the process get hit by a bus or lose our jobs.
It's just - dreaming is so essential. And having dreams, however big or small. It is simply a force to drive us forward.
It is like that saying - shoot for the Moon, and even if you'll miss, you will land among the stars.
Besides, the power of a human brain once it sets itself to something, I mean, really commits to something, is absolutely a force of nature to be reckoned with.
So why not set it to something that our dreams are truly made of.

So.
Once I'm home I will -
dream a little
dream a lot
and then dream some more

Give myself a chance to open my brain to dreaming. Tune it to GoodTimes FM, or something.
Being present in the here and now is fine, but if a thing becomes a restraint, it's clearly time for a change.
Open my head to all the lovely things that are and will be and I can look forward to.
It is a great freedom, does marvellous things mentally and I just haven't allowed myself to relax, breathe and do it.
So go on, fill your lovely lovely heads.

Dream big.
M.

Mamma Mia!

Mamma mia.
I heart Mamma mia.
Simple as.

ABBA's tunes are just genius.
And it's a very good plot for the songs to work, really work.
I mean, I think I've watched it an offensive amount, but it just keeps coming out again and again.
So good, so feel-good.
And I think we all need more things like that.

Also, I don't think anyone can really not admit how great the cast is.
Stellan, Meryl, Colin, Julie as well, and of course Pierce - I mean, really.

VOULEZ-VOUS, and feel-good.
M.

homecomfort

Back to the post about the little moments a day, of just little comforts.

I'd like to go hiking. Well, maybe not necessarily hiking - rather for an adventurous mountain-air walk. Not such a "little comfort", plus I want the ground to come out from undernearth the snow, and then I shall look into this. Maybe find a cool place around London, and do it before The Move.

But cups of tea, and good baths, and favourite movies.
I found this list on this blog. The list was called "Feeling Sad?" and I quite liked it. Not that I was feeling sad, but I thought the list was good anyway. (I'll give you a selection)

Here’s all the things I do to help myself feel less sad:

(if you have any more suggestions, send them to me and I’ll put them up here!)

- Ride a bike.

- Pet my dogs.

- Color in coloring books.

- Do yoga.

- Light some candles and meditate.

- Take a bath with all the fancy works.

- Throw paint on canvas, literally just throw it.

- Walk outside.

- Go for a run.

- Watch Lord of the Rings.

- Smile, even though I never want to, it does make you feel a little better.

- Talk to friends.

- Get a bulletin board and fill it with pictures you like.

I really liked it. But I do think dancing should ABSOLUTELY be on the list as well!

I am also in love with the fact that she has Lord of the Rings on the list - I went through a period of just watching it every day, for kicks. I didn't even like it that much before, and then BOOM - daily occurrence. Why not.

So.
Small things that make a big difference.
M.

Also. Some of you might not like tea, and baths, and Lord of the Rings at all, or you might not enjoy dancing, and walking on mountain tops which is soooo unquestionably fine.
Just find the little things that do make you happy, that's all.

my reindeer

melon

A.J. bought me a melon!
So sweet.
A honeydew melon portion. So cute.
SOOO cute.

I'm still wearing my leathery wrist-band-thing from Hvar.
It's going strong.

I had a lot of hair yesterday.
And this was good.

Brain-dead Friday.
M.

maybe

Maybe it's too much - these big cities.

I mean, why are all these people here?
I went down to the shops today, and on my way to our microcosm I must have seen at least 20 different nationalities?
Not an anthropological experiment, but a trip to the bank, and then to the shops.
20 nationalities. At least.

Why are they all here?
I know why I am here.
Why are they all here?
But it was nice today.
I decided to smile at everyone basically. Not annoyingly though - just had a look about me that implied that I was not going to stab or shoot anyone at all (that is what "smiling at people" means here, most of the time. And okay, it depends where you are, and everything. Whatever.)
I had a chat with this girl, about her coat. (Leopard print. Turned out it was from H&M.)
Then I went to some Polish shop that I passed and got some nice tomato-and-pepper sauce.

There is an interesting play called "San Diego", by ...I've completely forgotten, and for the sake of this argument doesn't really matter (David Craig maybe?), anyway - an interesting play, "San Diego".
Amongst other things, it talks about ideas of belonging, and placement/displacement.
There's a bit in it where he discusses the amount of people a human mind can actually fully comprehend, as a microcosm of living together.
I seem to remember the number was 250.
Two hundred, and fifty.
That's the number of people at which the human mind still fully grasps its community.


Maybe it is too much.
M.

RATTLE

post-singing idyll

Children will be children.
Concrete grey.


My writings back in the day, before The Big Move, were so angry. Quick-tempered. Maybe I've lost my balls of writing.
Or maybe I've just calmed down. Or maybe I've just learnt how to calm down.

I did something good today. Something good for myself, and something I should be proud of.
So this is my moment of Congratulations-Maria-well-done.

"USALDA END JUHUSELE JA VAATA, MIS SAAB"
Trust youself to chance, and see what happens.

In retrospective it is kind of funny how scared I was of going away. I read it on paper, but I can't remember the feeling. I remember the night 23 days and 6 years ago when for the first time I packed my big red suitcase that has now become one of the 5 constants in my life. I remember the night, I remember my cat, my dad with some Coronas and lime (well done, Father) and I remember some numb panic. But the run-up - it's just gone.
Trust yourself to chance.

I'm kind of sorry I deleted my really melancholic blog, pre-dating the 2005 one.
I'd like to read it like now. A diary of sorts of how it has all been, and how it has gone.

Drum and bass gave it clarity. A very singular meaning and a razorsharp focus. Which was really lacking. Just non-existent.
M. is for Mayhem.