understand

So this is what I've been thinking.

All I need, is for my person to understand me philosophically.
All the rest can be overcome and whatever, doesn't really matter.

What I mean by this is - if I have to justify myself or over-explain myself, that is a no go.
If I have to justify why I believe that things WILL be better, and life CAN just go the way I want it to go, if I commit and make a plan and work for it, if someone makes me justify all this - the answer is NO.
If someone wants to question my enthusiasm for the future that I want -  S C R E W    Y O U.


Do not question my faith in a future of my own choosing!

Do not. question. my faith. in a future of my own choosing.
Just. Do. Not.

Therefore - NO.


I'll take my future, I'll take my belief, and faith, and hope, and screw you.
I am a realist.
Just in my world, this does not mean being an asshole pessimist.
It means helping and nourishing my own enthusiasm and the enthusiasm of others.
That TOO is realistic.
So f_ck you.

And THAT, my dears, is what I've been thinking.


With love.
Yours truly.
M.

merkaba

So this is a Merkaba.





I saw this and thought, "Look familiar?"





Triangle in triangle.
I seriously am obsessed with drawing them.
The one above is not the best example but you get the point.
And the crystal I bought is that exactly - triangle on triangle.
One pointing up, one pointing down.

Merkaba.
M.

for you

I just want to thank you, from my heart and soul to yours, for somehow reminding me who I actually am, and more importantly, how much it's worth.

Maybe at some point in this life I'll somehow be able to show you how much that truly means.
And how much love I have for you.
I once said it's the greatest gift anyone can give another person.

I am good just the way I am.
I am worth loving just the way I am.


I sometimes used to forget.

But now I don't want to anymore.
I don't ever want to stop seeing what you saw.
And, I think, what you still see.

Maria

December 28, 2012

1 LESSON



Each has their own.
Everything is different
Men are different from women
And women different from men
And then each is different from the next
And every day is different
Every life
Every second
And what people do
And what they don't
And why they do what they do
And should they have done it
Should anyone do anything, at all
Or should we just not
Blah, blah, blah
I mean, really

Co-exist and co-inspire
That's all anyone can do
We see things and we can't act on it
Because these things are not our things
They are someone else's
So all we can do, is co-exist and co-inspire
And make sure we don't waste
Waste our time
Waste our talent
Waste our breath
Waste our sunrises and sunsets
And waste our joy
Because life is hard enough for us not to corrupt ourselves
So get on a swing
Laugh too loud
And delight in the ridiculous
Find someone to marvel with
Because everything is too serious anyway
Too serious and too sad
And too tragic
And too unfair and unjust
So keep hold of your own joy
Make sure you keep your shine
Be kind to yourself
And let others live through their own mistakes



We each have our lessons to learn.

With love.
M.

Tuesday

This was "Tuesday".

My mood carried on being so good, it was a little bit criminal.
And it has kind of spread its tentacles into today as well.
Which is nice, of course.

So today is gig-time!
It's almost 2:30pm, so I have 2 hours to sort my stuff.

I need to pack, make sure I have everything, and shower.
And eat.
After yesterday I literally looked like I genuinely live inside a cave-hole-thing.
It's time to sort that.

Happy Wednesday.
M.

imma upgrade

what kind of a person do i honestly want to be?

i seriously plan to upgrade.
seriously

and that's the question, rather than anything else

down to the little details

the V-Maria
the version
can do the splits
wakes up early to have a lovely breakfast time
has a positive future vision
does not postpone anything at all to the last second
keeps a clear structure of what she needs to do (to-do lists)
works out, because she loves it
knows when to ask for advice
makes her intuitive ideas a reality
takes time to meditate
works on her yoga practice
plays the piano
makes time for herself
dedicates time to living her life as herself
doesn't forget her drawing and photography
doesn't waste time on empty worrying or anxiety
keeps positive reminders in her space
eats good food
works at her languages

this
signifies
living
my
life

So that's what and who i actually want to be.


GO BE IT.
M.

create

I'm not creating, anything.
Lately.

Why.

Ridiculous.
M.

2012

About time for a recap.
I've been putting this off for a while, but here goes.

A good work year. When I'm doing the projects and concerts I never consider that I'm working necessarily. I enjoy it so much, and in that sense I'm hugely privileged to have a "job" like that. That I get to sing. But then in retrospective I always call it working.
So here goes. A good work year. January kicked off with a double portion of Opera Holloway. Händel and "Samson" first, and then Massenet and "Cinderella" second. Then there was the April tour which was such an awesome, ambitious project. It was my baby. I had never conceived a concert tour idea on my own, beginning to end. So it meant a lot. Then in February I found Sue, and started working with her. Then in July I had the insane summer tour, 22 concerts, in 25 days. Which was the most amazing learning opportunity. It helped me grow in the right direction so so much, and I'm so grateful for it. Then August was for Abingdon, September had the birthday celebration concert of a renowned pianist, in Talllinn. And December, again tour time.
2012 was amazing for travels. Apart from the bi-country lifestyle, I went to Switzerland in May to see A. Then there was August and Hrvatska, via Finland. And then 2 mini-trips to Stockholm, for some Scandinavian chaos and mayhem.
2012 was a good year for friends. I gained some new ones that I'm really grateful for. And saw some old ones I hadn't for a while.

2012 was a great great year for me. Just on some new found personal level, 2012 was good for me. I feel like I started thinking, actually thinking about what I was doing, and that I took responsibility for my decisions. For once, I didn't just carry on going, and I didn't think of what someone else expected of me. I took my chances and grew from my setbacks.
I think in a few decades I'll look back on this year just gone and really understand just how significant it was. I feel better than I used to, more at peace, more balanced and more grounded.
And I feel like I'm really starting to enjoy being me.
2012 also marked the beginning of my transition towards a healthier life, physically, mentally, emotionally - in every possible way. I've worked through some of my crap and I feel like I'm truly finally moving in the right direction.
It's also the year when I realised I can stop justifying. If I'm happy with what I'm doing, or what I look like, or what I'm doing with my days, then so be it. And that is all the justifying I will ever need to do.

I'm grateful for a good year and for having the amazing people in my life, my lovely lovely friends, my family and my cat, of course. Thank you for being there for me through the more or less interesting times. Thank you for having good advice and being the best motivation/inspiration. Thank you for pushing me when I'm stuck, or guiding me when I'm lost.
Thank you for a great year.
And let's make this one even better.

Here's to tuning in.
Bye-bye, 2012.
M.

miss

I will miss my life here so much.
I will miss the people.
I will miss AEM so much it feels like I'm going to crack a rib.

I will miss.

But life is all about choices, and I'm making mine.
M.

lessons we need to learn

Each has their own.
Everything is different
Men are different from women
And women different from men
And then each is different from the next
And every day is different
Every life
Every second
And what people do
And what they don't
And why they do what they do
And should they have done it
Should anyone do anything, at all
Or should we just not
Blah, blah, blah
I mean, really

Co-exist and co-inspire
That's all anyone can do
We see things and we can't act on it
Because these things are not our things
They are someone else's
So all we can do, is co-exist and co-inspire
And make sure we don't waste
Waste our time
Waste our talent
Waste our breath
Waste our sunrises and sunsets
And waste our joy
Because life is hard enough for us not to corrupt ourselves
So get on a swing
Laugh too loud
And delight in the ridiculous
Find someone to marvel with
Because everything is too serious anyway
Too serious and too sad
And too tragic
And too unfair and unjust
So keep hold of your own joy
Make sure you keep your shine
Be kind to yourself
And let others live through their own mistakes


D for December is for Damage control.


i've almost got rid of it
the bullshit of needing to get acceptance, or you know
"self-worth" from outsiders
almost

We each have our lessons to learn.

I have a hyacinth in my room.
With love.
M.

Miley Cyrus

Yes. Miley Cyrus.
I'm actually going to discuss Miley Cyrus.

But as ever, there's a reason.
So.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about public image and the people represented by a certain image, whether the image serves them or they serve the image.
Context. I went through a week or so of watching Inside the Actors' Studio. (If you don't know what this is, and you like actors, or acting, or interesting people, or interviews, or whatever, watch them. They're great. Very honest and good.) And I was watching Johnny Depp's one. And he was talking about how his first agent (I think) turned him into this pretty-boy-child-"star". And how this became his type-cast and how at some point he realised that was not what he wanted to do or wanted to be.
Therefore, being an example of the person serving the image, as opposed to the image serving the artist.

The reason I've been thinking about this is fairly simple: I'm growing up. I've been doing this singing thing at home for a long long time by now, and I've started feeling like the image I now serve is not the right one. Or maybe it used to be the right one, but is no longer. Blah blah, whatever, point being it's just not "right" right now.

And this is where Miley steps into view, kinda.
Miley and hair.

I don't like her. Maybe that's too strong. Let's just say, she leaves me cold. I don't feel affected by what she does or her movies, like "LOL" - it is simply not my cup of tea.
However, whether the hair idea was hers, and she just fancied it, or something to do with her PR team no one knows - regardless, it's brave, you know?
Hair.
Something so so simple. Most people have it, most people do stuff with it.
I dip-dyed mine some time ago, and a few people at home appear to be "shocked" because it's not "me".
I mean, what does that even mean?
I hadn't seen or heard of Miley's "big hair change" until someone mentioned it. Something along the lines of "that's not very Miley Cyrus".
Hair.
And what it symbolises.

I'm not a massive fan of her new hairstyle, which consequently is not the point either.
I simply give points to her for having balls and doing it.
Going from the top picture, to the bottom one, with her image as it was, to something else. It is brave.
So I salute that. The bravery to change.
Many of us censor ourselves, whether in the eyes of an audience, or in the eyes of our families. Hair, seemingly not very important - but what's to say we don't end up doing that with other decisions that carry more gravity? My hair, my skin, my life.
If I want another tattoo - how is it going to alter your life? It's not.

I respect Miley (3 words I thought I'd never say) for doing this.
Because it doesn't really change anything. Okay, some of her audience might go "uh-oh" but for the majority it doesn't really matter. Or if it does, then positively so. Most of her fans won't go OMG EW WHAT MILEY WHAT. It's hair. If anything, she's got some serious kudos for it.

So the bottom line is,
if you feel like you want to change something, or purple hair might make you happier and therefore more confident as a person and therefore make you shine in your own skin - Jesus, go for it!!
Because regardless of the fact that someone might not like it, it's hair. YOUR hair.
Or your education.
Or your skin.
Or your sexuality.
Or your religion.
And this is not far fetched. It comes from the same thing.

This does not just apply to people under some form of public scrutiny, it's everywhere, all the time, with everyone.

So I'll take my dip-dye, and be ecstatic about it, thank you very much.
And I might get another tattoo. And then I might cut my hair quite short. And then I might get a piercing. Cause, heaven forbid, I might have some fun?
Seriously. If a person doesn't have anything else to worry about than someone else's hair they should re-assess some stuff, pronto.

This has all been very ramble-y. But I hope you kinda got what I meant.
Am I a lesser version of myself with dip-dyed hair?

I don't think so.
M.

hello, hat

I am now the proud owner of a summery trilby.

I have already decided this is going to vastly improve my life.

I got a good concert offer today, for the 1st of August, but I'll be on holiday, in Croatia. And I mean, it's a good offer (if we consider all things future perspective related). 

Now then.
The thing is.
I work too hard. Not necessarily even work too hard, but I think about work, too hard. I know it's not really the "right thing to say", because working hard is the one and only way and blah blah blah. But surely life is not really about working yourself sick but actually having a good time with the whole being alive thing and everything.

So now I'm struggling. I would love to be around for this gig, which is fine. But to feel like I've made a mistake going on holiday and I should just be free at all times, by default, just in case something pops up?
Now that's just sick.

So my project now is to stop this utter stupidity. If this would be someone I know, a friend person, I know what I would say. I'd say - ... (I'm really trying here)- You deserve a holiday, you have worked hard, in fact you have done NOTHING apart from working in July. So it's about time you have a holiday, because the next season is about to begin. And if you got this offer now, another one will follow. You don't know when, but it will. Just give them your availabilities - which I did - and it will go from there. The fact that you're a singer won't change. So the fact that you'll be on holiday instead of working on the 1st of August will not change a thing. You will miss ONE opportunity, which does not equal your career or anything else.
It's great I like what I do and I'd like to do more of it, but I think I should SHUT IT. And have a good time with my frikkin trilby.

Tra-la-la.M.

Got this off Martin Saar's Twitter.