this

Well this just happened.

Omg.

Omg.

I am still so full of adrenaline. 

Crazy.

And I'm so happy and so grateful for this!!

With loovvvee!!!

M.

hair

I want light light ginger hair.
Something a bit, fresher, and more direct.
Rusty orange, or bronze, whatever.
My current shade is too wishy washy.
It simply put pisses me off and does not suit me.

H for Hair.

LOOOVE.
Yours truly.
M.

soft

Hello, my darlings.

This is a post about "soft".


Right.
I don't know about you but I grew up thinking "soft" will never ever get you anywhere at allll in this life.
And then I grew.
Just became more and more, cold and rigid, and tank-like.
And I used to love this.
The worse it got, the "better" I thought it all was.
Ooooooooohh, look at meee, I'm like a tank.

Lo-and-behold, I turned 23 or something and realised none of this - and I mean, NONE of this - works.
Nor does it have any logic.

Tank.
Seriously.
What.
Why would that be a good thing.
How can anyone make music like that?
How can anyone love or make love like that?
How can anyone make art, or something new?
How could anyone create like that?

One word: ice-queen.



And yes, la-la-la, "invincible and Strong" and whatever.
Point is.

It's actually a living breathing walking suicide. 

And it's so addictive, as is everything, let's be honest here.
You do something enough times and it becomes second nature.
Pretty simple.
Repetition is the root-mother of every thing.
SIMPLE AS.
You do something enough, and BAM! you think it's "my character".
I've done it enough times.

It's the rule that makes nature wonderful and terrifying.

So repeat the RIGHT things.
RIGHT FOR YOU.
F*CK someone else's "rights" and "wrongs".
Pick and choose what you want to be, pick and choose what you want to be seen as.
Make your life.
Make YOURSELF.

God.
This is super to myself.
Screw them all.
This is what I think.
All of them.
And just make YourSelf.
Pick the people, embrace and love and keep the people who let you be You, and just don't expect anything more or anything less.
Just You, the You-est you and the You of YOUR own choosing.
Not someone's cat or Jesus Christ's grandma.
Just YOU.

Enough with the ice queen tendencies now.
I don't like people like that, why should I ever try to BE it myself.

I am the dreamer, the soft ripe giving thing, like spring and wet soil, y'know?
Muddy, dirty, bloody, like gawddamn Mother Earth.
So why, again, my favourite question of all existence, why would I then turn into ice, which is by its very definition the opposite of wet, warm and fertile?

And if we want to talk about strength, then what is actually stronger than the earth, the basis on which all of this motherfrikkin circus is standing on anyway.

So seriously.
I need to stop this infantile ridiculousness.
And just become the person I want to be.
And kick ass like that.
I don't know why this is taking so long....but hey. Patience after-all.

Patience.
Keep muddy, keep warm and keep wet.
Peace out, darlings.

Yours truly.M.

tao

Love
Embracing Tao, you become embraced.
Supple, breathing gently, you become reborn.
Clearing your vision, you become clear.
Nurturing your beloved, you become impartial.
Opening your heart, you become accepted.
Accepting the World, you embrace Tao.
Bearing and nurturing,
Creating but not owning,
Giving without demanding,
Controlling without authority,
This is love.” 
~Lao Tzu, The Teachings of Lao-Tzu: The Tao-Te Ching

Yours truly.

M.

first

First morning, and first evening.

Let this year unravel.

Exactly two months till I turn 25.

And I have every intention of taking this by the balls.

Let this year bring Light.

Imma sleep now, last night was madness, today was Joy and now I'm just calm.

Good night, darlings.

Yours truly.

01.01.2014

M.

Riia

So hello world, and goodbye world.

I'm on a bus to Riga.

Because that's what's going on right now.

And I'm listening to Peter Gabriel.

And I've sorted all my work things, and emails and some useful things.

And Riga is meant to be nice this time of year.

/ :)

And I sang my concert today. 

To school children.

Apparently, when the music teacher told the kids they were going to have a concert where I'm singing, this little one, a 7 year old girl, put her hand up, with a super troubled face:

"Are you joking with us, miss? Is she REALLY coming here?"

And yes I did.

And they were INCREDIBLE kids. 

So responsive.

And so inspired by the opera and the music.

So we agreed with the music teacher that me and the pianist would return to that school.

And it started snowing!!

Inconvenience today, but god almighty it's pretty. 

And so here I am.

Half way to Riga.

These are the days of miracle and wonder.

I have Love for all of you.

Yours truly.

Always.

M.

this

“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.”

—	Rumi This, a hundred times. Yours truly. M.

visuals

I realised I haven't posted any photos really in so-so long!
So I shall rectify this right now.

First of all, a pap from my session with the pretty one, on this terrace in town.
Also, Maria's Book Recommendation: Jenny Diski "Stranger in a train."

Really do read this book.
So very enjoyable and so very excellent.
This was given to me by A.

And now the rest of the stuff I found.

I was helping a friend of mine do up their flat.
That day was GLORIOUS.
Worked on the flat, had some lunch in North Tallinn.
Just my kind of day.
I was a sweaty builder and loved every nano-second of it.

Tour flowers and latenight food at Spaniard's.

Helped dad build a fence.
This is the after shot.....

.............compared to the before.
Woo!

This amazing manor house, and the decor.
Just the kind of house where your wealthy anthropologist adventurer friend would live.

Some sunny, swimming days in Tallinn.

This was the last of the last.
Last gig, last minutes.

And so.
Tomorrow.

The forever elusive tomorrow.
I'm going to throw out a bunch of stuff.
Make some space.

...avant et arrière ∇.
M.

a lonely life

First of all, hello, all!
I'm back from "the South".
3 gigs later, I'm back.

They all went supremely well.
3 PACKED churches.
I'm so grateful, I truly am.
So the only thing to do is to stay super thankful, humble and work my balls off.

But I just have to say - it is a lonely life.
The guys I'm doing it with have wives and families and stuff.
I come home to the cat.
Love the cat as I do, but y'know..
It's just.
I'm not saying I want a family like tomorrow.
All I am saying is - touring gets sad, because I want to come home and SHARE this stuff you know?
With someone who cares about my existence.

AND I'm not moaning out of thin air - it is such a sharp contrast.
Having a fulll hall, with people literally loving what we're doing, or what I'm doing. You can see the emotion, we feel it and they feel it. And then coming home to nothing.
There was this little girl, who came up to the stage once we had finished just to hug me because "I was so nice".
I mean, seriously.
And then just four walls, my cup of tea and nothing.

This used to really really fuel the very unpleasant sides of my character back in the day.
Now I'm just better, I guess, at dealing with it.
Besides, I hear it coming way from the other side of the hill, which also helps.

And so, I'm going to power on.
Use some of the stuff the Spanish one recommended.
The nice stuff.


We had a picnic the other day, with the Tartu girls.
We chatted for a few hours, had some cheese and cherries and stuff.
It was so very nice.

Share, share, share.
M.

reading list

...from Rachel Brathen.
If you don't know her, go check her out.
http://www.rachelbrathen.com/

Anyway.
A super short reading list I plan to come back to after Finland and Midsommar.
Law of Attraction by Esther Hicks.
And also some Eckhart Tolle. I think this has been a long time coming.

I hope I get along well with these books.
I want some reading to really, really shake my brain.

And it's also time to update the blog appearance once more.
This always means a time to get back to writing and drawing and doing creative things a lot more.
Cause it annoys me to no end when I realise that I've been in a non-creative hole for a bit.

Oh, also, I realised the tour is starting soon so I want to start practising the piano, ready to utilise the grand pianos in the concert places.
So excited. For this.
Seriously.

And so here I am, downloading some music, drinking tea, and getting ready for my Fin-dventure a la Midsommar-madness.
Packing list also includes:
Swimsuit (for the forest lake YES)
Drawing pad (I need to sharpen dem pencils)
"Women who run with the wolves" (Recommend strongly)
And of course, in true Nordic style, mosquito repellent.

Have a super awesome weekend everyone.
I plan to return on Monday night having spent time drawing, swimming, breathing, meditating, probably skipping over some meadows, and just resting. Fingers crossed I get to row a boat. That would simply be nothing short of ideal.

So.
Not to underestimate the weekend ahead.
Not only is it the turning point in the year, and the seasons, plus it should also be some crazy moon situation, as I've heard.
Think good thoughts.
The shortest night of the year is so good for this.
And those Nordic ones reading this, go into a forest and see what's going on.
I mean, there's a reason our ancestors did that. Go find your luck and good fortune.
Spend some nature time. Get muddy and dewy and wet.

HAPPY SOLSTICE.
I'll leave you with Lana.

Peace.
M.

5 days

5 days non-blog.
5 days of some rehearsals, a lot of time in a library trying to find some music, which I found.
5 days of stressing about two gigs, and doing the two gigs, and them going well.

So in short all is well.
In some more detail, however, stuff's weird.
I still don't get where this weirdness is coming from.
It's boring to experience so I don't even know how boring it must be to read about it.
But as ever, everything is a work in progress, so I'm not despairing too much.

There's some things I need to do, and get done.
So I'll do that soon.

For now, I'm eating some cantarell mushroom pasta in Vapiano.
Seeing dad and the spanish one later.
Things need to be decided and I don't like deciding.
Note to self: make friends with decision-making.

I'll do my very very best not to disappear.

Peace out, lovely-ones.
M.

kaleidoscope eyes

I really, really like losing track of time with someone.

Completely.

I mean, so much.
This track below, Time by Pachanga boys, I mean, if you have 15 minutes of time to give your ears, head, heart and soul something pretty amazing, listen to it.

Losing

track

of

time

Yesterday was amazing.

Kaleidoscope eyes, baby.
M.

experience, my darling

Okay, I feel like I should write a semi-conclusive post about the experiences I've had of late.
There's so much stuff that I think I'm already starting to forget.
And I don't write this up anywhere.

So, where do we start.


Prince Rama and the birthday of the Cinema "Friendship", yesterday.
And the girls being super.
Imagine Dragons - Radioactive. Thankyou, A.
Make my systems blow.
New friends and people, S. and K. and E. a little.
And going out with K, and V.
RHIZOME.
Mutantants.
Tallinn Music Week in Von Krahl.
And Inga Copeland in Von Krahl - the music music music

Spanish one's truth time hitting the nail
on the head

Dance more
Dance
so much dancing lately

Easter service singing

Skype conference talking.
More safety in my own decisions

Della Reese and my ringtone "Come on a my house".
Best decision ever
ever

And one of the songs K sent me just making me get up, around 1am, and spending 6 minutes upside down. Mostly in downward dog, leg up, and trying to get back to my friend, supported headstand.
Why
no one knows
And Hallelujah emerging.
Last time I listened to that, 2nd of September 2006.
And it came back last night
Like I told myself not to listen to it unless I'm home.

Dying my hair dark
Lifting heavy stuff
Warrior time

Rhizome Rave
And new people, new people

And K and M-L.
Just, YES.
YES
And dancing with A.
The dancing

And whiskey shots and freedom

And my Guru cousin's lectures and seminars.
New insight
And logical insight
Techniques and things to do, how to get rid of the unwanted.
And everything to do with his place, Lilleoru.
Flowervalley

Looking for things to fan my flames.

The greedy kid being not greedy.
Change yourself and the world around you will change.



In conclusion.
The not-so-subtle message:

WELCOME
TO
THE
NEW
AGE

I Give Thanks.
M.


Ps, I bet I'll read this back in some time, and not understand one. single. thing.
Whatever.

And below, my trusty, trusty, trusty, trusty Hamsa.

as you are

Come 
as you are.
as you were.
As you want to be.

I don't know and maybe never will know why these words mean so much to me.
Or what they mean exactly.
But hey, maybe I won't know and don't need to know.
Bottomline is they really mean something.
Really mean something to me.

So hey.
Whatever.

Come as you are.
And I will always accept you and not judge you and love you like you are.
Come as you are, as you were.
Come as you want to be.
I don't want you to be anything, I just want you to be.
So come as you are.
And I'll take you in, just the way you want to be.

Come
as
you
are.

Always.
M.

lights off

And if you can, tonight, then please turn off your lights.
Get some candles.
Think some thoughts, or chat to your friends.
And turn off the lights.

http://www.earthhour.org/

Earth hour.
M.

this wolf thing

It has really stuck, you know.

And I quite like it.
Using a chosen totem animal, of sorts.
It's kinda weird that the idea of the wolf and I met. I never in a gazillion years would've chosen a wolf, or thought of a wolf.
But now the energy and the resilience it carries really seems to fit like a glove.
So I'm not saying that I'm now going to become a pack animal or a hermit or a whatever, it's just, it's nice to have a symbol. I like tattoos that are symbols, I like finding meaning and significance in things, so having an animal that for me symbolises something about myself is really great.

And again. There are charts with rough birth dates and Native American totem animals.
BUT. You can choose your own.
If there's an animal you have a very strong connection with (stronger than, "yeah, I like kittens") or the opposite - an animal you are afraid of - then there's probably something there.
And this is not about finding the space you fit into, but rather finding an animal that for some reason you share a similar energy with.

And I really like it.

Hooray for wolves.
M.

bread exchange

and the Wonderful, Wonderful Malin.
http://thebreadexchange.com/

This is another one of my blog recommendations.

Malin is this Swedish young woman, currently living somewhere in Germany. And basically, she started this project called the Bread Exchange.
She started making bread just for banter at home, but as she was trying out so many new things and experimenting a lot she had loads of left-over bread, which she started giving to her friends. Her friends in return would give her...little things, whatevers, homemade jam, or write a poem, or offer to fix her bike.
In short, this grew into a network of people involved in the Bread Exchange.

It is so simple.
Malin makes bread. Posts where she will be (she travels a lot with her job) and then people can set up a meeting with her.
Malin will bring bread.
In return, you can make her or give her anything at all, whatever you want.
Everything, except money.

Her blog is a wonderful wonderful mix of her journey and the journey of Bread Exchange, with awesome photos from her travels.
And Malin herself comes across simply as a truly wonderful being.

"Everything is not for sale."
M.

Photo from the bread exchange blog.

gypsy

I think in my heart I'm just a massive gypsy who is meant to sing and dance, drink wine, and travel the world.
This would also make sense in terms of my hatred for moving and getting settled in places. Travelling and roaming and adventuring, fine. So, so fine.
So I'm going to embrace my inner gypsy now, somehow.
I'll keep you posted, of course, as ever.

Run towards freedom as opposed to chasing all the restrictions and structures. And whatever, "proper" social conduct. Life's too short and the world's too colourful to be shoving yourself into the wrong shapes.

And besides, Maria is quite a good gypsy name as well, I think.

Cause I mean, why not, you know?
M.

(And I just really like Shakira.)

ldn

Last few snaps of LDN.

My old housemate's cat, Jarvis. Who's like my soulmate and the most chilled out cat, ever.
Some light on my street view.
The den that I built with help from AJ like a week ago. This goes with my strong strong belief that we must play more. This is not something that children do exclusively, everyone should do more of this.

And the last one, up in the air, LDN to TLN, 13-02-2013

Snaps.
M.

spread

spread
love
like
colour

spread.
M.